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Why was the library so tall?
It had lots of stories!
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Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a woodworm!
Really? What a boring life you have!
=================
Why was the millipede late?
Because he was playing "This little Piggy" with his baby sister!
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What happened to the man who crossed his dog with a car?
He kept it in a barking lot!
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Sunday, November 29, 2015
Saturday, November 28, 2015
Thoughts of the Day ...
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<(*_*)> - Thoughts of the Day
1) I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
2) I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
3) I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
4) Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
5) How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
6) Snowmen fall from the sky unassembled.
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<(*_*)> - Thoughts of the Day
1) I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
2) I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
3) I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
4) Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
5) How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
6) Snowmen fall from the sky unassembled.
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Friday, November 27, 2015
Bonus Joke of the Day ...
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(*_*) - The Lift
As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities.
One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was.
"Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right."
Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up.
"They're from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."
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(*_*) - The Lift
As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities.
One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was.
"Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right."
Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up.
"They're from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."
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Joke of the Day ...
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A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and, in general,
began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said "Well yeah, if that's what they are I never heard of circle flies."
So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms.
See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.
Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, Officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
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A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and, in general,
began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said "Well yeah, if that's what they are I never heard of circle flies."
So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms.
See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.
Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, Officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
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Thursday, November 26, 2015
Thanksgiving Wishes
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.¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪
Warm thoughts and best wishes to you all and your families this Thanksgiving.
May you continue to have many blessings and many reasons to be thankful in the coming year.
.¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪
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.¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪
Warm thoughts and best wishes to you all and your families this Thanksgiving.
May you continue to have many blessings and many reasons to be thankful in the coming year.
.¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪
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Joke of the Day ...
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Farmer Mike lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer Mike called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW-SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer Mike called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers.
The `school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer Mike called and called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."
He was going to let the Farmer Mike do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer Mike.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer Mike a call.
"How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign...
it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer Mike's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY
GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS
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Farmer Mike lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer Mike called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW-SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer Mike called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers.
The `school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer Mike called and called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."
He was going to let the Farmer Mike do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer Mike.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer Mike a call.
"How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign...
it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer Mike's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY
GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS
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Wednesday, November 25, 2015
Jokes of the day .....
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What do vampires take when they catch a cold?
Coffin medicine!
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What do you call a baby hippo that can’t use the bathroom properly?
A hippo-potty-mess!
====================
What do you call a loud, shouting elephant?
A YELL-EPHANT!!!
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What do vampires take when they catch a cold?
Coffin medicine!
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What do you call a baby hippo that can’t use the bathroom properly?
A hippo-potty-mess!
====================
What do you call a loud, shouting elephant?
A YELL-EPHANT!!!
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Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Jokes of the Day ...
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How can you tell if an elephant has been in your fridge?
All the peanut butter has gone!
============
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards!
I'll deal with you later!
=======================
Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a bee!
Buzz off I'm busy!
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How can you tell if an elephant has been in your fridge?
All the peanut butter has gone!
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Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards!
I'll deal with you later!
=======================
Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a bee!
Buzz off I'm busy!
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Animal Fact of the Day ...
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"The opossum has many interesting features. It has 50 teeth, more than any North American land mammal. Its hairless tail is prehensile and is used for grasping branches, balancing and carrying nesting material. The opossum does not hang upside down by the tail, a common misconception. The opossum also has opposable thumbs on its hind feet for holding onto branches."
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"The opossum has many interesting features. It has 50 teeth, more than any North American land mammal. Its hairless tail is prehensile and is used for grasping branches, balancing and carrying nesting material. The opossum does not hang upside down by the tail, a common misconception. The opossum also has opposable thumbs on its hind feet for holding onto branches."
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Monday, November 23, 2015
Joke of the day ....
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(^_^) - New Cop
The new metro cop pulled a speeder who was zipping down Maple Avenue. "Can I see your license and registration, bub?", the cop inquired.
"But officer," the fellow started, "I can explain..."
"Shut yer trap, bub!" snapped the officer. "You're going downtown and sit a while till the sarge gets back."
"But, officer, I think you really should know..."
"And I said to shut yer trap! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the cop looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the sarge is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," shot back the guy in the cell. "I'm the groom."
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(^_^) - New Cop
The new metro cop pulled a speeder who was zipping down Maple Avenue. "Can I see your license and registration, bub?", the cop inquired.
"But officer," the fellow started, "I can explain..."
"Shut yer trap, bub!" snapped the officer. "You're going downtown and sit a while till the sarge gets back."
"But, officer, I think you really should know..."
"And I said to shut yer trap! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the cop looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the sarge is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," shot back the guy in the cell. "I'm the groom."
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Sunday, November 22, 2015
Comparison of the day ...
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IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.
AT WORK....You spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.
AT WORK....You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK....You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK....You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK....You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.
AT WORK....You have to share.
IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK....You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK....You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK....You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK....They are called supervisors.
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IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.
AT WORK....You spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.
AT WORK....You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK....You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK....You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK....You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.
AT WORK....You have to share.
IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK....You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK....You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK....You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK....They are called supervisors.
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Joke of the Day ...
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The Marine Drill Instructor noticed a new recruit and barked at him, `Get your butt over here ! What's your name?"
"Steve," the new recruit replied.
"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart hipster bull they're teaching in boot camp today, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the sergeant scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my recruits by their last names only - Smith, Jones, Baker.
I am to be referred to only as `Sergeant.' Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, sir, Sergeant!"
"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"
The recruit sighed "Darling, My name is Steve Darling."
"Okay, Steve, here's what I want you to do ....."
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The Marine Drill Instructor noticed a new recruit and barked at him, `Get your butt over here ! What's your name?"
"Steve," the new recruit replied.
"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart hipster bull they're teaching in boot camp today, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the sergeant scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my recruits by their last names only - Smith, Jones, Baker.
I am to be referred to only as `Sergeant.' Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, sir, Sergeant!"
"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"
The recruit sighed "Darling, My name is Steve Darling."
"Okay, Steve, here's what I want you to do ....."
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Saturday, November 21, 2015
Jokes of the Day ...
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How can whales hear each other miles away?
They use herring aids!
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How can you guarantee straight A's?
Use a ruler!
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Friday, November 20, 2015
Jokes of the Day ...
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Girl: My cat swallowed a ball of wool!
Teacher: Oh no! What happened?
Girl: She had mittens!
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Have you got any holes in your socks?
No!
How do you get your feet in then?
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Headmaster: Why are your eyes crossed?
Teacher: I just can’t control my pupils!
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Science Fact of the Day ....
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Aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn't know that so it goes on flying anyway.
~Mary Kay Ash
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Aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn't know that so it goes on flying anyway.
~Mary Kay Ash
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Thursday, November 19, 2015
Jokes of the Day ....
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How do elephants cheer each other up when they are sick?
With a ‘Get Well-ephant’ card!
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How did the octopus set up camp so quickly?
It was good with tent-acles!
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Doctor, doctor, I can't stop robbing banks!
Just let me take a few notes!
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How do elephants cheer each other up when they are sick?
With a ‘Get Well-ephant’ card!
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How did the octopus set up camp so quickly?
It was good with tent-acles!
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Doctor, doctor, I can't stop robbing banks!
Just let me take a few notes!
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Pick up lines .... Reeeeee - jected ....
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Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
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Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
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Thought of the day ...
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"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass,
it's about learning to dance in the rain."
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"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass,
it's about learning to dance in the rain."
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Wednesday, November 18, 2015
Maury Povitch Moment of the Day ...
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Ted goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, `Do you know me?' To which she replies, `I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to all the women he had been with and could think of only two possibilities.
`Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table or are you the hooker I met at a convention and spent the night with in Tulsa?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, `No, I'm your son's teacher.'
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Ted goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, `Do you know me?' To which she replies, `I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to all the women he had been with and could think of only two possibilities.
`Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table or are you the hooker I met at a convention and spent the night with in Tulsa?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, `No, I'm your son's teacher.'
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Joke of the Day ...
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The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise visit and check up on his staff. Walking though the plant, he noticed a young man leaning lazily against a post.
"Just how much are you being paid a week?" said the owner angrily.
"Around three hundred bucks," replied the young man.
Taking out a fold of bills from his wallet, the owner counted out $300, slapped the money into the boy's hands, and said "Here's a week's pay - now get out and don't come back!"
Without a word the young man turned around and quickly left the building.
Turning to one of the supervisors, the owner said "How long has that lazy bum been working here anyway?"
"He doesn't work here," said the supervisor. "He was just here to deliver a pizza!"
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Tuesday, November 17, 2015
Second Joke of the Day ...
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Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from overhearing you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Galway, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Galway?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on Walsh Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Peter's of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1974."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Peter's in 1974 my own self."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the O'Brien twins are drunk again."
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Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from overhearing you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Galway, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Galway?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on Walsh Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Peter's of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1974."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Peter's in 1974 my own self."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the O'Brien twins are drunk again."
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Joke of the day ...
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(*_*) - Tired Dog
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour.
This continued for several weeks.
Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"
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(*_*) - Tired Dog
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour.
This continued for several weeks.
Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"
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Monday, November 16, 2015
.Thought for the day:
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Thought for the day:
Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.
--Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
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Thought for the day:
Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.
--Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
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Joke of the Day ...
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Jim is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Jim ranted, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Jim answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Jim replied, "My father doesn't like her."
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Jim is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Jim ranted, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Jim answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Jim replied, "My father doesn't like her."
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Sunday, November 15, 2015
Audiobook recommendation of the day ....
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Audiobook recommendation of the day ....
Nothing to Envy: Ordinary Lives in North Korea
Barbara Demick (Author), Karen White (Narrator), Tantor Audio (Publisher)
...
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Audiobook recommendation of the day ....
Nothing to Envy: Ordinary Lives in North Korea
Barbara Demick (Author), Karen White (Narrator), Tantor Audio (Publisher)
...
Listening Length: 12 hours and 29 minutes
"Barbara Demick's Nothing to Envy follows the lives of six North Koreans over 15 years - a chaotic period that saw the death of Kim Il-sung and the unchallenged rise to power of his son, Kim Jong-il, and the devastation of a far-ranging famine that killed one-fifth of the population."
My Comments: Almost unbelievable account of the tragedy and suffering caused by a totalitarium government that has failed the people on every level. Utterly spellbinding, I hope so much that the people of North Korea get to recover and have a better life.
The individual stories tell, in a very personal way, just what it is to starve to death in a famine, to lack the most basic medical care and live with, virtually, nothing. The disillusion that came with realizing they had been lied to in every way by their government was both freeing and disorienting for those that finally escaped. Sobering, but completely fascinating.
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"Barbara Demick's Nothing to Envy follows the lives of six North Koreans over 15 years - a chaotic period that saw the death of Kim Il-sung and the unchallenged rise to power of his son, Kim Jong-il, and the devastation of a far-ranging famine that killed one-fifth of the population."
My Comments: Almost unbelievable account of the tragedy and suffering caused by a totalitarium government that has failed the people on every level. Utterly spellbinding, I hope so much that the people of North Korea get to recover and have a better life.
The individual stories tell, in a very personal way, just what it is to starve to death in a famine, to lack the most basic medical care and live with, virtually, nothing. The disillusion that came with realizing they had been lied to in every way by their government was both freeing and disorienting for those that finally escaped. Sobering, but completely fascinating.
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Jokes of the Day ...
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How do solar systems hold up their trousers?
With asteroid belts!
===========
How do Indian and African elephants talk to each other?
On an elephone!
==============
How do lady vampires attract male vampires?
They bat their eyelashes!
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How do solar systems hold up their trousers?
With asteroid belts!
===========
How do Indian and African elephants talk to each other?
On an elephone!
==============
How do lady vampires attract male vampires?
They bat their eyelashes!
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Saturday, November 14, 2015
Free Nook Books ...
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If you have a Nook ereader, or the Nook App, the books on this blog are free-
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/nook-blog/free-fridays-john-l-monks-kick-celebrity-newborn-pets/
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If you have a Nook ereader, or the Nook App, the books on this blog are free-
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/nook-blog/free-fridays-john-l-monks-kick-celebrity-newborn-pets/
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Jokes of the day ...
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How do farmers count their cows?
Cow-culators!
==============
How do chickens get strong?
Egg-cersize!
================
Doctor, doctor, everyone thinks I'm a liar!
I don't believe you!
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Friday, November 13, 2015
Day of the Day ....
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╰♥.☆.♥╮
Friday the 13th: 13 Facts About the Unluckiest Day in the Calendar
Friday the 13th is considered to be the unluckiest day in the Gregorian Calendar. For many people, it is a day to take caution, stay indoors, avoid black cats, ladders and mirrors, and reach out for their good luck charms for protection.
1. It's Unclear Why It Is Feared
Very little is known about the origins of the day's notoriety. Some historians believe that the superstitions surrounding it arose in the late 19th century. The first documented mention of the day can be found in a biography of Italian composer Gioachino Rossini, who died on a Friday 13th. A 1907 book, Friday the Thirteenth, by American businessman Thomas Lawson may have further perpetuated the superstition.
Others believe that the myth has Biblical origins. Jesus was crucified on a Friday and there were 13 guests at the Last Supper the night before his crucifiction.
All about Friday
Another account suggests that the day has been associated with misfortune since 1307, when on a Friday the 13th, the French king gave the orders to arrest hundreds of Knights Templar.
History of Friday the 13th
2. Yet, the Fear is Very Real
So real that one scientific name wasn't enough. The fear of Friday the 13th is also called friggatriskaidekaphobia or paraskevidekatriaphobia. Now say that 10 times really fast!
Friggatriskaidekaphobia comes from Frigg, the Norse goddess of wisdom after whom Friday is named, and the Greek words triskaideka, meaning 13, and phobia, meaning fear. Paraskevidekatriaphobia is also derived from Greek: paraskevà translates as Friday, and dekatria is another way of saying 13.
3. ..And Very Common!
Experts say that friggatriskaidekaphobia affects millions of people and estimate that businesses, especially airlines suffer from severe losses on Friday the 13th.
Triskaidekaphobia, or the fear of the number 13 is even more widespread. So much so that many high rise buildings, hotels and hospitals skip the 13th floor and many airports do not have gates numbered 13. In many parts of the world, having 13 people at the dinner table is considered bad luck.
4. Friday the 13th Can Come in Threes
A bit of a bad news for all of you who suffer from friggatriskaidekaphobia - all years will have at least one Friday the 13th. The good news is that there cannot be more than three Friday the 13ths in any given calendar year. The longest one can go without seeing a Friday the 13th is 14 months.
When is the next Friday the 13th?
5. Blame Sunday
For a month to have a Friday the 13th, the month must begin on a Sunday.
6. Friday the 13th Patterns Repeat in the Calendar
There is a calendaric method to the madness of Friday the 13th. Whenever a common year begins on a Thursday, the months of February, March and November will have a Friday the 13th. This will happen 11 times in the 21st century.
The February-March-November pattern repeats in a 28 year cycle. In the 21st century, the cycle began in 2009. In 2015, 6 years later, Friday the 13th will occur in February, March and November. This won't happen for 11 more years until 2026 and we'll have to wait again for 11 years until 2037 to see the February, March and November trilogy.
This pattern will repeat itself starting 2043, 6 years after 2037.
7. Even During Leap Years
Three Friday the 13ths can occur in a leap year as well. If January 1 of a leap year falls on a Sunday, the months of January, April and July will each have a Friday the 13th.
In the 20th century, this happened in 1928, 1956 and 1984. And in the 21st century this will happen four times in 2012, 2040, 2068, 2096. Notice something interesting? Yes, it is the 28 year cycle again!
8. Fittingly Alfred Hitchcock Was Born on the 13th
The master of suspense was born on August 13, 1899 - so Friday, August 13, 1999 would have been his 100th birthday. He made his directorial debut in 1922 with a movie called Number 13. Unfortunately, the film was doomed from the start and never got off the ground due to financial troubles.
Other celebrities and well-known personalities born on a Friday the 13th include actors Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, novelist and playwright, Samuel Beckett and former President of Cuba, Fidel Castro.
9. It's an Unlucky Day Only For Some
Friday the 13th is not universally seen as a day of misery. For example, in Italy, Friday the 17th and not Friday the 13th is considered to be a day that brings bad luck. In fact, the number 13 is considered to be a lucky number!
In many Spanish speaking countries and in Greece, Tuesday the 13th is seen as a day of misfortune.
10. And Research Suggests That It May Not be Unlucky After All
There is very little evidence to show that Friday the 13th is indeed an unlucky day. Many studies have shown that Friday the 13th has little or no effect on events like accidents, hospital visits and natural disasters.
11. The Day Inspired One of the Highest Grossing Film Series
The commercially successful Friday the 13th enterprise includes 12 horror movies, a television series and several books that focus on curses and superstitions. Even though the films and the television series consistently received negative reviews from critics, they have a huge following. The mask worn by the key character in the films, Jason Voorhees, is one of the most known images in popular culture.
12. And a Country to Raise Safety and Accident Awareness
Since 1995, Finland has dedicated one Friday the 13th in a year to observe National Accident Day. The day aims to raise awareness about safety - on the roads, at home and at the workplace.
13. An Asteroid Will Safely Fly By the Earth in 2029
On a Friday the 13th! Friday, April the 13th, 2029 to be exact. When 99942 Apophis was discovered in 2004, it was thought to have a small chance of colliding with Earth. But you can rest easy because since then, scientists have revised their findings which show that there is absolutely no risk of the asteroid impacting the Earth or the Moon.
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╰♥.☆.♥╮
Friday the 13th: 13 Facts About the Unluckiest Day in the Calendar
Friday the 13th is considered to be the unluckiest day in the Gregorian Calendar. For many people, it is a day to take caution, stay indoors, avoid black cats, ladders and mirrors, and reach out for their good luck charms for protection.
1. It's Unclear Why It Is Feared
Very little is known about the origins of the day's notoriety. Some historians believe that the superstitions surrounding it arose in the late 19th century. The first documented mention of the day can be found in a biography of Italian composer Gioachino Rossini, who died on a Friday 13th. A 1907 book, Friday the Thirteenth, by American businessman Thomas Lawson may have further perpetuated the superstition.
Others believe that the myth has Biblical origins. Jesus was crucified on a Friday and there were 13 guests at the Last Supper the night before his crucifiction.
All about Friday
Another account suggests that the day has been associated with misfortune since 1307, when on a Friday the 13th, the French king gave the orders to arrest hundreds of Knights Templar.
History of Friday the 13th
2. Yet, the Fear is Very Real
So real that one scientific name wasn't enough. The fear of Friday the 13th is also called friggatriskaidekaphobia or paraskevidekatriaphobia. Now say that 10 times really fast!
Friggatriskaidekaphobia comes from Frigg, the Norse goddess of wisdom after whom Friday is named, and the Greek words triskaideka, meaning 13, and phobia, meaning fear. Paraskevidekatriaphobia is also derived from Greek: paraskevà translates as Friday, and dekatria is another way of saying 13.
3. ..And Very Common!
Experts say that friggatriskaidekaphobia affects millions of people and estimate that businesses, especially airlines suffer from severe losses on Friday the 13th.
Triskaidekaphobia, or the fear of the number 13 is even more widespread. So much so that many high rise buildings, hotels and hospitals skip the 13th floor and many airports do not have gates numbered 13. In many parts of the world, having 13 people at the dinner table is considered bad luck.
4. Friday the 13th Can Come in Threes
A bit of a bad news for all of you who suffer from friggatriskaidekaphobia - all years will have at least one Friday the 13th. The good news is that there cannot be more than three Friday the 13ths in any given calendar year. The longest one can go without seeing a Friday the 13th is 14 months.
When is the next Friday the 13th?
5. Blame Sunday
For a month to have a Friday the 13th, the month must begin on a Sunday.
6. Friday the 13th Patterns Repeat in the Calendar
There is a calendaric method to the madness of Friday the 13th. Whenever a common year begins on a Thursday, the months of February, March and November will have a Friday the 13th. This will happen 11 times in the 21st century.
The February-March-November pattern repeats in a 28 year cycle. In the 21st century, the cycle began in 2009. In 2015, 6 years later, Friday the 13th will occur in February, March and November. This won't happen for 11 more years until 2026 and we'll have to wait again for 11 years until 2037 to see the February, March and November trilogy.
This pattern will repeat itself starting 2043, 6 years after 2037.
7. Even During Leap Years
Three Friday the 13ths can occur in a leap year as well. If January 1 of a leap year falls on a Sunday, the months of January, April and July will each have a Friday the 13th.
In the 20th century, this happened in 1928, 1956 and 1984. And in the 21st century this will happen four times in 2012, 2040, 2068, 2096. Notice something interesting? Yes, it is the 28 year cycle again!
8. Fittingly Alfred Hitchcock Was Born on the 13th
The master of suspense was born on August 13, 1899 - so Friday, August 13, 1999 would have been his 100th birthday. He made his directorial debut in 1922 with a movie called Number 13. Unfortunately, the film was doomed from the start and never got off the ground due to financial troubles.
Other celebrities and well-known personalities born on a Friday the 13th include actors Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, novelist and playwright, Samuel Beckett and former President of Cuba, Fidel Castro.
9. It's an Unlucky Day Only For Some
Friday the 13th is not universally seen as a day of misery. For example, in Italy, Friday the 17th and not Friday the 13th is considered to be a day that brings bad luck. In fact, the number 13 is considered to be a lucky number!
In many Spanish speaking countries and in Greece, Tuesday the 13th is seen as a day of misfortune.
10. And Research Suggests That It May Not be Unlucky After All
There is very little evidence to show that Friday the 13th is indeed an unlucky day. Many studies have shown that Friday the 13th has little or no effect on events like accidents, hospital visits and natural disasters.
11. The Day Inspired One of the Highest Grossing Film Series
The commercially successful Friday the 13th enterprise includes 12 horror movies, a television series and several books that focus on curses and superstitions. Even though the films and the television series consistently received negative reviews from critics, they have a huge following. The mask worn by the key character in the films, Jason Voorhees, is one of the most known images in popular culture.
12. And a Country to Raise Safety and Accident Awareness
Since 1995, Finland has dedicated one Friday the 13th in a year to observe National Accident Day. The day aims to raise awareness about safety - on the roads, at home and at the workplace.
13. An Asteroid Will Safely Fly By the Earth in 2029
On a Friday the 13th! Friday, April the 13th, 2029 to be exact. When 99942 Apophis was discovered in 2004, it was thought to have a small chance of colliding with Earth. But you can rest easy because since then, scientists have revised their findings which show that there is absolutely no risk of the asteroid impacting the Earth or the Moon.
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Joke of the Day ...
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Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school.
He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town.
He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.
One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.
As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking..
"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million.."
"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.."
"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details.."
This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes.
All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions.
Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy.
What can I do for you?"
The man replied "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."
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Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school.
He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town.
He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.
One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.
As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking..
"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million.."
"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.."
"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details.."
This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes.
All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions.
Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy.
What can I do for you?"
The man replied "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."
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Thursday, November 12, 2015
Situation of the Day ....
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(*?*) - Constant Speed
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
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Don't ride the Merry Go Round when you are drunk.
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(*?*) - Constant Speed
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
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Don't ride the Merry Go Round when you are drunk.
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Joke of the Day ...
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An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out.
He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife.
It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!".
Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk.
The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice?".
"I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".
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An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out.
He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife.
It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!".
Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk.
The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice?".
"I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".
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Wednesday, November 11, 2015
Thought of the Day .....
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The world is not comprehensible, but it is embraceable: through the embracing of one of its beings.
~Martin Buber
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The world is not comprehensible, but it is embraceable: through the embracing of one of its beings.
~Martin Buber
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Jokes of the Day ...
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Doctor, doctor, I feel like an apple!
We must get to the core of this!
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History teacher: How did the Dark Ages get their name?
Pupil: From all the Knights!
===============
How do birds drink?
Out of beak-ers!
====================
How do electric eels taste?
Shocking!
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Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Second Joke of the Day ....
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A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called `The Knob,' where a small knob
is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of
a brand new face-lift.
Of course, the woman wanted `The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful,
the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
`All these years, everything has been working just fine.. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results.
But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, `Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, `Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'
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A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called `The Knob,' where a small knob
is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of
a brand new face-lift.
Of course, the woman wanted `The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful,
the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
`All these years, everything has been working just fine.. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results.
But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, `Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, `Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'
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Joke of the day ....
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A doctor, a lawyer, a little kid and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life.
You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father.
The `smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."
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A doctor, a lawyer, a little kid and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life.
You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father.
The `smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."
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Monday, November 9, 2015
Joke of the Day ...
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(*~*) - Grandpa & the IRS
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration? '
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me fifty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.
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(*~*) - Grandpa & the IRS
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration? '
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me fifty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.
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Sunday, November 8, 2015
Jokes of the Day ...
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How do comets greet each other?
Pleased to meteor!
===============
How do cows disguise themselves?
With moo-staches!
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How do dogs stop the music?
They press the paws button!
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How do comets greet each other?
Pleased to meteor!
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How do cows disguise themselves?
With moo-staches!
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How do dogs stop the music?
They press the paws button!
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Saturday, November 7, 2015
Jokes of the Day ...
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How do you know if there’s an elephant in your fridge?
The door won’t shut!
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How do you know that owls are cleverer than chickens?
Have you ever heard of Kentucky-fried owl!?
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How do you know the sea is glad to see you?
It waves!
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Friday, November 6, 2015
Jokes of the Day ...
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How do you knock out an elephant?
Trunk-quilizer!
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How do you know a dog eating fireflies is happy?
It barks with de-light!
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How do you know a duck enjoys flying upside down?
It quacks up!
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How do you knock out an elephant?
Trunk-quilizer!
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How do you know a dog eating fireflies is happy?
It barks with de-light!
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How do you know a duck enjoys flying upside down?
It quacks up!
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Free Nook Books of the Week ...
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If you have a Nook ereader or the Nook app, then the books on this page are free today.
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/nook-blog/free-fridays-116-only-time-will-tell-double-take/
Check back during the day because more people contribute their lists.
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If you have a Nook ereader or the Nook app, then the books on this page are free today.
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/nook-blog/free-fridays-116-only-time-will-tell-double-take/
Check back during the day because more people contribute their lists.
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Thursday, November 5, 2015
Joke of the Day ...
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A little boy was in a aunt's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side).
While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the boy sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
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A little boy was in a aunt's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side).
While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the boy sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
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Wednesday, November 4, 2015
Thought of the day ...
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The moment when you first wake up in the morning is the most wonderful of the twenty-four hours.
No matter how weary or dreary you may feel, you possess the certainty that, during the day that lies before you, absolutely anything may happen.
And the fact that it practically always doesn't, matters not a jot.
The possibility is always there.
~Monica Baldwin
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The moment when you first wake up in the morning is the most wonderful of the twenty-four hours.
No matter how weary or dreary you may feel, you possess the certainty that, during the day that lies before you, absolutely anything may happen.
And the fact that it practically always doesn't, matters not a jot.
The possibility is always there.
~Monica Baldwin
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Joke of the Day ...
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One rainy Sunday afternoon, a young couple were on their way to their Church to get married.
On the way there, their car lost control and slammed into a telephone pole - killing them both instantly.
The couple soon found themselves standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, welcoming them to Heaven.
The young woman asks Peter if they could get married in Heaven, since their time on Earth was cut short.
He replies that he'll get back with them on that request.
A month later, St. Peter finds them and announces that they can - in fact - get married in Heaven.
To his surprise, the woman asks "Just wondering, if things don't work out will we be able to get a divorce?"
With a stern look in his eye, Peter blurts out "Look lady, it took me a month to find a preacher up here... you really think I'm gonna find a lawyer?"
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One rainy Sunday afternoon, a young couple were on their way to their Church to get married.
On the way there, their car lost control and slammed into a telephone pole - killing them both instantly.
The couple soon found themselves standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, welcoming them to Heaven.
The young woman asks Peter if they could get married in Heaven, since their time on Earth was cut short.
He replies that he'll get back with them on that request.
A month later, St. Peter finds them and announces that they can - in fact - get married in Heaven.
To his surprise, the woman asks "Just wondering, if things don't work out will we be able to get a divorce?"
With a stern look in his eye, Peter blurts out "Look lady, it took me a month to find a preacher up here... you really think I'm gonna find a lawyer?"
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Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Life Lessons ....
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(^_^) - My Mother
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father."
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home."
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. My mother taught me JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."
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(^_^) - My Mother
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father."
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home."
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. My mother taught me JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."
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Monday, November 2, 2015
Joke of the day ....
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(*_*) - Men's' Helpline
"Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you? "
"Hello Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up.
She goes out with "the girls" a lot.
I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat.
When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"
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(*_*) - Men's' Helpline
"Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you? "
"Hello Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up.
She goes out with "the girls" a lot.
I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat.
When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"
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Thoughts of the day ...
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Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it
~ Charles R. Swindoll
╰♥.☆.♥╮
The greatest oak was once a little nut who held its ground.
~ Author Unknown
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Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it
~ Charles R. Swindoll
╰♥.☆.♥╮
The greatest oak was once a little nut who held its ground.
~ Author Unknown
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Sunday, November 1, 2015
Thoughts of the day ...
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No two persons ever read the same book.
-Edmund Wilson
A book is a dream that you hold in your hand.
-Neil Gaiman
Whenever you read a good book, somewhere in the world a door opens to allow in more light.
-Vera Nazarian
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No two persons ever read the same book.
-Edmund Wilson
A book is a dream that you hold in your hand.
-Neil Gaiman
Whenever you read a good book, somewhere in the world a door opens to allow in more light.
-Vera Nazarian
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Scientific Study of the Day ...
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(^_^) - Crows
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
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(^_^) - Crows
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
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Parable ....
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One fine morning in the Garden of Eden, God looked down upon Adam and noticed that he was looking glum. So the Lord said to Adam "What troubles you, my Son?"
Adam looked up to God ad said "I'm lonely, Father. I have no one to talk to."
So God said "Then I shall give you a companion, and she will cook and clean for you, and wash your clothes. She shall bear your children and never wake you in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will give you love and compassion whenever you want it. She will not nag at you, and will always be the first to admit she is wrong if you two ever disagree. She will love and support you no matter what, and always agree with any important decision you make. She shall be called a `woman.'
Intrigued, Adam asked God "What shall this woman cost, Father?"
God replied "One arm and one leg, my son."
Adam pondered this question for a minute, and with the seriousness that only comes from complete certainty, he answered... "Hmm, what can I get for just a rib?"
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One fine morning in the Garden of Eden, God looked down upon Adam and noticed that he was looking glum. So the Lord said to Adam "What troubles you, my Son?"
Adam looked up to God ad said "I'm lonely, Father. I have no one to talk to."
So God said "Then I shall give you a companion, and she will cook and clean for you, and wash your clothes. She shall bear your children and never wake you in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will give you love and compassion whenever you want it. She will not nag at you, and will always be the first to admit she is wrong if you two ever disagree. She will love and support you no matter what, and always agree with any important decision you make. She shall be called a `woman.'
Intrigued, Adam asked God "What shall this woman cost, Father?"
God replied "One arm and one leg, my son."
Adam pondered this question for a minute, and with the seriousness that only comes from complete certainty, he answered... "Hmm, what can I get for just a rib?"
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Wisdom that Comes With Age ....
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Wisdom that Comes With Age
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now!
You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If she is holding a gun, she's probably angry.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet...
Old age is coming at a really bad time!
When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment... now, as a grownup, it just feels like a small vacation!
The biggest lie I tell myself is...."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it".
I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
"It is easier to fool people than it is to convince them they have been fooled." - Mark Twain
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Wisdom that Comes With Age
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now!
You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If she is holding a gun, she's probably angry.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet...
Old age is coming at a really bad time!
When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment... now, as a grownup, it just feels like a small vacation!
The biggest lie I tell myself is...."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it".
I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
"It is easier to fool people than it is to convince them they have been fooled." - Mark Twain
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