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Mau Mau Rebellion: A History from Beginning to End
Finger Foods
Vegan
Friday, October 30, 2020
Free Nook Books
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Free Nook Books
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This is a constantly updating list of free Nook Books. The categories are on the left side of the page.
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Jokes and stuff
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What kind of jeans do ghosts wear?
Boo Jeans.
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What room doesn't a ghost need?
A living room.
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What kind of key does a ghost use?
A spooky.
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Why are there fences around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.
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What did one casket say to the other casket?
Is that you coffin?
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What is a mummy's favorite type of music?
Rap music.
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What do you call a witch that likes the beach but is afraid of water?
A chicken sand witch.
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Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.
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You can do anything if you want it bad enough. That is why we see so many people who can fly by flapping their arms.
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
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“If everybody minded their own business, the world would go around a great deal faster than it does.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
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Card of the day
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Card of the Day
Shaman of Wands - Motherpeace deck
Ready to meet challenges.
Healthy competition, from a position of strength.
Under the sign of Aries, he is eager to be up and doing.
Thoughtful about politics.
Can be active, restless, impatient because he wants to share enthusiastically his visions.
Can - do qualities, but doesn't like too many responsibilities or demands placed on him.
Sometimes fiery, sometimes fire.
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Thursday, October 29, 2020
Jokes and stuff
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How do you keep free of demons?
Exorcise a lot!
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How do you keep an elephant calm?
Trunk-quilizers!
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How do you keep a brontosaurus under an umbrella without it getting wet?
Make sure it's not raining!
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Don't you hate it when a sentence doesn't end how you octopus.
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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two; one to change the lightbulb, and one to observe how it symbolizes an incandescent beacon of subjectivity in a netherworld of cosmic nothingness.
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"Birds sing after a storm. Why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them?"
Rose Kennedy
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“She felt a little nervous about this; 'for it might end, you know,' said Alice to herself, 'in my going out altogether, like a candle. I wonder what I should be like then?' And she tried to fancy what the flame of a candle looks like after the candle is blown out, for she could not remember ever having seen such a thing.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass
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Science fact
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Science fact:
Did you ever notice a formation geese flying over as they migrate? They fly in a "V' shape and one side of the V is always longer, do you know why?
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There are more geese on the longer side.
Card of the Day
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Card of the day
Four of Disks - Motherpeace Tarot
Beware of scams.
Your value and self worth are precious things that can not be taken away from you.
Four is the number that represents the material world.
Don't stifle the flow of your energy out of over protectiveness. Don't let things stagnate.
This is a card of power, sun in Capricorn.
Success
Album
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Album of the day
Breakdown of Sanity - Mirrors [Full Album HD]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=417vGCnizLU
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Wednesday, October 28, 2020
Jokes of the day
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Fun question of the Day ..
Question:
You've been kidnapped.
You can call on one fictional character to save you.
Who do you pick?
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Why did the ghost cross the road?
To get to (spooky voice) *the other side*.
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History Teacher: What did William Tell’s son say when the apple on his head was hit?
Pupil: That was an arrow escape!
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How do you help a sick bird?
Give it tweetment!
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Why was the glow-worm confused?
It didn't know if it was coming or glowing!
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Try this math problem. You will get an interesting result.
259 x your age x 39
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of red, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later Holmes woke up, nudged his faithful friend and said, "Watson, I want you to look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."
Sherlock said, "And what does that tell you?"
After a minute or so of pondering Watson said, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Metereologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day today. What does it tell you?"
Sherlock paused, then sighed. "My friend, it tells me that someone stole our tent."
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"All is a riddle, and the key to a riddle...is another riddle." Ralph Waldo Emerson
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“Only the insane equate pain with success."
"The uninformed must improve their deficit, or die."
_Cheshire Cat”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Other Stories
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Album of the day
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Album of the day
Breakdown Of Sanity - Perception (FULL ALBUM) (NEW 2013!)
Melodic Metalcore/Deathcore
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GBBlAA7Eav0
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Card of the Day
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Card of the Day
The Star - Motherpeace Tarot
Another card of balance and harmony, the kind that comes after a storm, violent eruption, major change.
Calm and peacefulness, hope and joy. Order in nature once again.
Being able to see with new eyes, awe and wonder.
All things have their purpose, all things have their place.
Be at peace with yourself. Be true to yourself. You have come so far, learned so much.
Open your mind - let the light shine in.
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Tuesday, October 27, 2020
Card of the day
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Card of the Day
The Devil - Enchanted tarot
Hard to find the path to happiness with so much obscuring your view.
Represents the limitations we place on ourselves.
The Devil would like you to believe the Wheel of Fortune crushes us instead of carrying us to a higher plane.
When we are down, hopeless, we are easy prey for the devil.
Don't give in, don't give up.
Recognize your fears and confront them. Be strong.
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Album of the day
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Convince - Russian Jawbreaker [2020 Blackened Crust / Hardcore]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8EBgCZFM0g
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Jokes and stuff
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A man goes to the doctor, worried about his wife's temper.
The doctor asks: "What's the problem?"
He says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my wife seems to lose her temper for no reason. It's scary. She starts off mildly annoyed about something then keeps getting more and more upset until she's in a fury!"
The doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your wife is getting annoyed, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until she either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later the man comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
He says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my wife started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and she calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
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There was an older couple that went to the doctors together. The husband went in first and told the doctor "I'm worried about my wife. I think she's loosing her hearing, but I don't want to get her upset about it. What can I do to find out how bad her hearing is?"
The doctor said "Well, when you go home ask her something from a distance. Find out if she can hear you. Get a little bit closer, ask her again, see if she can hear you. And then let me know how close you have to be to her for her to finally hear you and then I can determine how bad her hearing is."
That evening they were home and the wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner.
The husband stood in the living room and asks "Honey, whats for dinner?"
No reaction, she's still cooking.
He gets a little bit closer, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no reaction.
He gets to the kitchen doorway. He asks her again in a louder voice this time. "Honey, whats for dinner?"
Still, no reaction.
He comes up right behind her and says again. "Honey, whats for dinner?"
She turns around and says, "For heavens sake! Meatloaf, green beans and boiled potatoes, I told you four times already!"
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“Some are born weird, some achieve it, others have weirdness thrust upon them.”
― Dick Francis
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“Well that's it: if you don't think, you shouldn't talk!”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass
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Monday, October 26, 2020
Jokes and stuff
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Why wasn't the kitten playing?
Because he was on paws.
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Man walks into the Doctors office and sits down on the couch.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog! "
The doctor yells, "Get down! Down! Bad boy!"
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.Geography teacher: Which country is known to be fast moving?
Pupil: Rusha!
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Teacher: Scientists are amazing. Did you know they’ve invented something to help you see through walls!
Boy: Yes, they’re called windows!
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“Have you ever met someone for the first time, but in your heart you feel as if you've met them before?” ― JoAnne Kenrick, When A Mullo Loves A Woman.
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“Who did you pass on the road?" the King went on, holding out his hand to the Messenger for some more hay.
"Nobody," said the Messenger.
"Quite right," said the King; "this young lady saw him too. So of course Nobody walks slower than you."
"I do my best," the Messenger said in a sullen tone. "I'm sure nobody walks much faster than I do!"
"He can't do that," said the King, "or else he'd have been here first.”
― Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There
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Album of the day
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Album of the day
Concrete - Everything Ends Now 2017 (Full Album)
Hardcore from Albany, New York, USA.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghhBo2qBr70&t=1382s
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Sunday, October 25, 2020
Album
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Album of the day
The Weight We Carry - Harsh Truth 2015 (Full EP)
Hardcore from Rochester, New York, USA.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzxj6cG1ZQs
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Like magic
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One day a man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it.
A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.
The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one."
The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to visit Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me seasick.
So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a minute and said, "No, I don't think I can do that.
Just think of all the work involved: the pilings needed to hold up the highway, how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean.
Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "Well, there is one other thing that I have always wanted.
I would like to be able to understand my girlfriend. What makes her laugh and cry, why is she temperamental, why is she so difficult to get along with?
Basically, what makes her tick?"
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"
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Jokes and stuff
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Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Botany.
Botany who?
Botany good books lately?
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Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Yacht!
Yacht who?
Yacht a know me by now!
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Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Juno.
Juno who?
Juno that I'm out here, right?
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Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Says!
Says who?
Says me, that's who!
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She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
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What's Irish and sits on your deck?
Paddy O'Furniture.
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What happened to the man who ran through a screen door?
He strained himself.
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What kind of car does Mickey Mouse's wife drive?
A mini-van.
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What do you call an American drawing?
A yankee doodle.
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What was the camel with no hump named?
Humphrey.
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(^_^) - Power Outage
During a recent power outage my PC, Laptop, TV, DVD, IPAD, and a new surround sound system were all shut down. Also, my cell phone battery was dead. To make matters worse it was raining and I couldn't play golf.
So I go to the kitchen to make coffee, OOPS, the coffee maker requires power, so I sit down and talked to my wife for a couple of hours.
You know, she seems like a nice person.
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Saturday, October 24, 2020
Jokes and stuff
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Where do baseball players get their new uniforms?
New Jersey
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What did the Pacific Ocean say to the Indian Ocean?
Nothing, they just waved!
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Is it serious when zombies have trouble with their home?
Yes, it’s a grave problem!
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Carol: Someone called you an owl!
Jacob: Who? Who?
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Now on the hills I hear the thunder mutter...
Nearer and nearer rolls the thunder-clap,-
You can hear the quick heart of the tempest beat....
Look! look! that livid flash!
And instantly follows the rattling thunder,
As if some cloud-crag, split asunder,
Fell, splintering with a ruinous crash,
On the Earth, which crouches in silence under;
And now a solid gray wall of rain
Shuts off the landscape, mile by mile...
~James Russell Lowell, "Summer Storm," 1839
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(*_*) - Healthy Proverbs
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
4. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
5. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
6. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
7. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
8. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
9. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
10. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
11. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
12. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
13. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
14. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
15. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
16. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
17. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
18. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
19. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
20. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
21. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
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Puns are a rare medium well done.
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“Turning into a vampire is like signing a supernatural contract and like any contract, there are clauses.
And there is the fine print.”
― Cyma Rizwaan Khan, V-DAY - Definitely NOT a Fairy-Tale
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“Can you row?" the Sheep asked, handing her a pair of knitting-needles as she spoke.
"Yes, a little--but not on land--and not with needles--" Alice was beginning to say.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass
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Friday, October 23, 2020
Jokes and stuff
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A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
A man didn't come home 1 night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friends house.
The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said he was still there but in the bathroom.
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The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room because they are updating the convent. The nuns try to figure out how to accomplish this without getting any paint on their new habits.
So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our habits off, fold them up, and lock the door. Then we can paint without getting our habits spattered."
So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice paint job ladies. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
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So I was on a train with Einstein and he turns to me and asks... Does Boston stop at this train?
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What are the 10 letters of the pirate alphabet?
Aye, Aye, Arr and the Seven C's
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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.
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Thursday, October 22, 2020
Jokes and stuff
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(*_-) - Pirate in a Bar
A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door.
The pirate had a peg leg, a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye.
Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said, "Come over here friend. You look like you've had a hard life and I'd like to buy you a drink."
The pirate came over and ordered rum.
"Just out of curiosity," the man said, "how did you lose your leg?"
"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that timber to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboard for stealing a man's rum."
"That's just terrible. How did you lose your hand?" the man said.
"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that fighting cannibals off Madagascar under Admiral Hawk."
"Oh my!" the man said, "I can't even imagine! How did you lose your eye?"
"Arrrgh! A seagull pooped in it!" said the pirate.
"A seagull!" the man exclaimed. "Is seagull poop dangerous?!" he asked.
"Nay, matey, it was me first day with the hook..."
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A divorce court judge said to the husband,
"Mr Geraghty, I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $800 a week."
"That's very fair, your Honor," he replied. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
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Everybody should believe in something.
I believe I'll have another cup of tea.
~Author Unknown
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Album of the Day
Lifeless - Dream 2015 (Full Album)
Hardcore from New Jersey, USA.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=veKOiTbPjfs&t=1673s
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“Likest thou jelly within thy doughnut?”
― Jim Butcher
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I stayed up all night because I wanted to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
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“You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.”
― Albert Einstein
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Name four men that are in a rock group together but none of them sing nor play music.
Mt. Rushmore. They're a rock group (it's a rock...group)
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“Alice had begun with 'Let's pretend we're kings and queens;' and her sister, who liked being exact, had argued that they couldn't, because there were only two of them, and Alice hand been reduced at last to say, 'Well, you can be one of them then, and I'll be the rest.”
― Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There
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Wednesday, October 21, 2020
Jokes and stuff
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If apples and pears come from fruit trees, where do ducks and chickens come from?
Poul-trees!
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If crocodiles are used for shoes what are used for slippers?
Bananas!
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“Because sometimes you just have to dance like a madman in the Self-Help section of your local bookstore.”
― David Levithan
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“Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!”
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You'll Go!
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That girl said she knew me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never seen herbivore. [her before]
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After the pastor ate too many beans he sat in his own pew.
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What was Beethoven's favorite fruit?
Ba Na Na Naaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
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“So she sat on with closed eyes, and half believed herself in Wonderland, though she knew she had but to open them again, and all would change to dull reality.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass
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Kindle
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Herbal
Bombs, Bullets, and Bribes: the true story of notorious Jewish mobster Alex Shondor Birns
Jamaican Cookbook
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Tuesday, October 20, 2020
Jokes and stuff
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The streets were dark with something more than night ...
Raymond Chandler
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I got a bag of candy for my brother!
What a great swap!
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I had a lovely dream last night; I dreamt I ate a giant marshmallow!
This morning I can’t find my pillow anywhere!
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I Opened a Book
I opened a book and in I strode
Now nobody can find me.
I've left my chair, my house, my road,
My town and my world behind me.
I'm wearing the cloak, I've slipped on the ring,
I've swallowed the magic potion.
I've fought with a dragon, dined with a king
And dived in a bottomless ocean.
I opened a book and made some friends.
I shared their tears and laughter
And followed their road with its bumps and bends
To the happily ever after.
I finished my book and out I came.
The cloak can no longer hide me.
My chair and my house are just the same,
But I have a book inside me.
Julia Donaldson
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“It is harder to crack prejudice than an atom.”
― Albert Einstein
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“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
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“If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”
― Steven Wright
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“I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn't cheer so loud when I'm trying to sleep.”
― Jarod Kintz
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Why are the middle ages sometimes called the Dark Ages?
Because they had so many knights.
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Ah, I had a great boomerang joke... It'll come back to me.
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Why was the sand wet?
Because the seaweed. (The sea wee'd)
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“Dear, dear! How queer everything is to-day! And yesterday things went on just as usual. I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think: was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is, Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle!”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
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Monday, October 19, 2020
Jokes and stuff
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top 100 jokes:
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
A: Aware wolf.
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OFFICER: "Stop! You're under arrest for stealing encyclopedias from the library."
JIM: "Wait! I can explain everything."
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(*_*) Two New Dogs
A girl was visiting her friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The friend responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the friend. 'They're watch dogs'!
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(😊) - My Job Search
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it-mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it.... couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.
11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally gota job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.
PS: I am still job hunting. Any suggestions?
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“If you're going to make a science fiction movie, then have a hover craft chase, for heaven's sake.”
― Joss Whedon
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“A dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
― Mary Karr
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“I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?”
― Ronald Reagan
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Why do you think Civil Disobedience was such a fantastic essay?
Thoreau editing... (Thorough.)
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What's the difference between a Tuna and a piano?
You can tune a piano, but you cannot piano a Tuna.
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You see, so many out-of-the-way things had happened lately, that Alice had begun to think that very few things indeed were really impossible.
― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
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“Strong isn't about not being afraid, Caitlin. It's about facing what you're scared of.”
― Lindsay J. Pryor, Blood Shadows
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Saturday, October 17, 2020
Jokes and stuff
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A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".
"I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If you take me out on a date, buy me a fancy dinner, take me dancing and kiss me good night, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
The man is amazed and takes the challenge. He arranges to pick her up at 8:00 pm that night. He makes reservations at the fanciest restaurant in town, and takes her on the date.
At the end of the night after a lengthy kiss the old lady says, "Okay, I have my answer. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
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These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters-who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
***
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
***
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
***
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
***
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
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Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
***
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
***
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
***
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
***
Q: So the date of your baby's conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
***
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
***
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
***
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
***
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
***
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
***
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
***
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
***
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
***
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
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“My formula for life is very simple: in the morning, wake up; at night, go to sleep. In between I try and occupy myself as best I can.”
― Cary Grant
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Four college students weren’t prepared for an exam, and decided to skip it and ask for a make-up exam, explaining to the professor that their car had a flat tire on the way to class that day. The professor agreed to a make-up, at which time he seated the four students in separate corners of the room and wrote one exam question on the chalkboard. The question was, “Which tire?”
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“How puzzling all these changes are! I'm never sure what I'm going to be, from one minute to another.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
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Friday, October 16, 2020
Jokes and stuff
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How does the moon get his hair cut?
Eclipse it!
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How does the sea like its hair?
Wavy!
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What did the mouse say to the elephant?
Squeak!
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(*_*) - Things That Took Me Fifty Years To Learn!!
1.) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2.) If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
3.) There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
4.) People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5.) Your REAL friends still love you anyway.
6.) You should not confuse your career with your life.
7.) No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8.) When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.
9.) Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10.) A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
11.) Never lick a steak knife.
12.) Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
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“To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funnybone.”
― Reba McEntire
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What did the porcupine say when he looked in the mirror?
Looking sharp!
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Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They don't have the guts.
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“I dare say you never even spoke to Time!"
"Perhaps not," Alice cautiously replied; "but I know I have to beat time when I listen to music."
"Ah! That accounts for it," said the Hatter. "He won't stand a beating. Now, if only you kept on good terms with him, he'd do almost anything you like with the clock.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass
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free nook books
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Free Nook Books
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This is a constantly updating list of free Nook Books. The categories are on the left side of the page.
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Thursday, October 15, 2020
Jokes and stuff
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Why is a giraffe so slow to apologize?
It takes him a long time to swallow his pride.
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How do vampires like their coffee?
De-coffiin-ated!
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How does an ocean make itself taste good?
Sea-soning!
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How do you repair a broken tomato?
Tomato Paste.
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What lights up a soccer stadium?
A soccer match.
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“Alice thought to herself, 'Then there's no use in speaking.'
The voices didn't join in this time, as she hadn't spoken, but to her great surprise, they all thought in chorus (I hope you understand what thinking in chorus means--for I must confess that I don't),
'Better say nothing at all. Language is worth a thousand pounds a word!”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass
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A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
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Kindle
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Call Me Trooper: The Chronicles of a Michigan State Police Officer
Thieves, Rascals, and Sore Losers: The Unsettling History of the Dirty Deals that Helped Settle Nebraska
Cherokee Mythology: Captivating Myths and Legends of a Native American Tribe
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Wednesday, October 14, 2020
Jokes and stuff
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There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me.
When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing.
I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.
And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
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“All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.”
― Ambrose Bierce
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Lemony Snicket quote of the day ...
“Of course, it is quite possible to be in the dark in the dark, but there are so many secrets in the world that it is likely that you are always in the dark about one thing or another, whether you are in the dark in the dark or in the dark not in the dark, although the sun can go down so quickly that you may be in the in the dark about being in the dark, only to look around and find yourself no longer in the dark about being in the dark, but in the dark in the dark nonetheless, not only because of the dark, but because of the ballerinas in the dark, who are not in the dark about the dark, but also not in the dark about the locked cabinet, and you may be in the dark about the ballerinas digging up the locked cabinet in the dark, even though you are no longer in the dark about being in the dark, and so you are in fact in the dark about being in the dark, even though you are not in the dark about being in the dark, and so you may fall into the hole that the ballerinas have dug, which is dark, in the dark, and in the park. ”
― Lemony Snicket, The End
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Why did the man at the orange juice factory lose his job?
He couldn't concentrate.
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I poured root beer into a square cup. Now I just have beer.
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What did the mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra.
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“Why, there's hardly enough of me left to make ONE respectable person!”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
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Tuesday, October 13, 2020
Jokes and stuff
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What did Sherlock Holmes say when pointing to the elephant-shaped hole in the wall?
Eleph-entry my dear Watson!
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What did the adult snake say to the baby snake with a runny nose?
Viper your nose!
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What are the strongest days?
Saturday and Sunday because the other days are WEAK days!
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Which side of the chicken has more feathers?
The outside.
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Male deer have buck teeth.
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A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancée-free.
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What do you get if you cross a canary and a 50-foot long snake?
A sing-a-long!
***================
Doctor, doctor, everywhere I look I see an insect spinning in circles!
It’s just a bug that’s going around!
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What do you get if you cross a black dog and a white dog?
A greyhound!
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“I went down to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours. He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.”
― Steven Wright
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How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
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When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
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A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.
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Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
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I had a hen that could count her own eggs. She was a mathemachicken.
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A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seat belt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
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What do you find in the middle of dinosaurs?
The letter ‘S’!
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"Everything happens for a reason, but that doesn't mean there's a point."
— Sue Grafton (C is for Corpse)
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An expert farmer is outstanding in his field.
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What's the longest piece of furniture in the world?
The multiplication table.
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What's the biggest room in the world?
The room for improvement.
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“Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?" he asked.
"Begin at the beginning," the King said gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass
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