Jokes and stuff

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“While browsing in a second-hand bookshop one day, George Bernard Shaw was amused to find a copy of one of his own works which he himself had inscribed for a friend: "To ----, with esteem, George Bernard Shaw."

He immediately purchased the book and returned it to the friend with a second inscription: "With renewed esteem, George Bernard Shaw.” 

― George Bernard Shaw

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Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from overhearing you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Galway, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Galway?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on Walsh Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith, it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Peter's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1974."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Peter's in 1974 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the O'Brien twins are drunk again."

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(*_*) - Tired Dog

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. 

I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. 

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. 

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. 

The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. 

This continued for several weeks. 

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap." 

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

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“We are no longer the knights who say Ni! We are now the knights who say ekki-ekki-ekki-pitang-zoom-boing!” 

― Graham Chapman, Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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“Nobody comes here anymore, its too crowded”

― Yogi Berra

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The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. 

- Robert Bloch

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