Jokes and stuff

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1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

10.  If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you,  just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

20.  Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere,  makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people  cops.

21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

Which one is YOUR favorite?

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╰♥.☆.♥╮ 

Friday the 13th: 13 Facts About the Unluckiest Day in the Calendar

Friday the 13th is considered to be the unluckiest day in the Gregorian Calendar. For many people, it is a day to take caution, stay indoors, avoid black cats, ladders and mirrors, and reach out for their good luck charms for protection.

1. It's Unclear Why It Is Feared

Very little is known about the origins of the day's notoriety. Some historians believe that the superstitions surrounding it arose in the late 19th century. The first documented mention of the day can be found in a biography of Italian composer Gioachino Rossini, who died on a Friday 13th. A 1907 book, Friday the Thirteenth, by American businessman Thomas Lawson may have further perpetuated the superstition.

Others believe that the myth has Biblical origins. Jesus was crucified on a Friday and there were 13 guests at the Last Supper the night before his crucifiction.

All about Friday

Another account suggests that the day has been associated with misfortune since 1307, when on a Friday the 13th, the French king gave the orders to arrest hundreds of Knights Templar.

History of Friday the 13th

2. Yet, the Fear is Very Real

So real that one scientific name wasn't enough. The fear of Friday the 13th is also called friggatriskaidekaphobia or paraskevidekatriaphobia. Now say that 10 times really fast!

Friggatriskaidekaphobia comes from Frigg, the Norse goddess of wisdom after whom Friday is named, and the Greek words triskaideka, meaning 13, and phobia, meaning fear. Paraskevidekatriaphobia is also derived from Greek: paraskeví translates as Friday, and dekatria is another way of saying 13.

3. ..And Very Common!

Experts say that friggatriskaidekaphobia affects millions of people and estimate that businesses, especially airlines suffer from severe losses on Friday the 13th.

Triskaidekaphobia, or the fear of the number 13 is even more widespread. So much so that many high rise buildings, hotels and hospitals skip the 13th floor and many airports do not have gates numbered 13. In many parts of the world, having 13 people at the dinner table is considered bad luck.

4. Friday the 13th Can Come in Threes

A bit of a bad news for all of you who suffer from friggatriskaidekaphobia - all years will have at least one Friday the 13th. The good news is that there cannot be more than three Friday the 13ths in any given calendar year. The longest one can go without seeing a Friday the 13th is 14 months.

When is the next Friday the 13th?

5. Blame Sunday

For a month to have a Friday the 13th, the month must begin on a Sunday. 

6. Friday the 13th Patterns Repeat in the Calendar

There is a calendaric method to the madness of Friday the 13th. Whenever a common year begins on a Thursday, the months of February, March and November will have a Friday the 13th. This will happen 11 times in the 21st century.

The February-March-November pattern repeats in a 28 year cycle. In the 21st century, the cycle began in 2009. In 2015, 6 years later, Friday the 13th will occur in February, March and November. This won't happen for 11 more years until 2026 and we'll have to wait again for 11 years until 2037 to see the February, March and November trilogy.

This pattern will repeat itself starting 2043, 6 years after 2037.

7. Even During Leap Years

Three Friday the 13ths can occur in a leap year as well. If January 1 of a leap year falls on a Sunday, the months of January, April and July will each have a Friday the 13th.

In the 20th century, this happened in 1928, 1956 and 1984. And in the 21st century this will happen four times in 2012, 2040, 2068, 2096. Notice something interesting? Yes, it is the 28 year cycle again!

8. Fittingly Alfred Hitchcock Was Born on the 13th

The master of suspense was born on August 13, 1899 - so Friday, August 13, 1999 would have been his 100th birthday. He made his directorial debut in 1922 with a movie called Number 13. Unfortunately, the film was doomed from the start and never got off the ground due to financial troubles.

Other celebrities and well-known personalities born on a Friday the 13th include actors Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, novelist and playwright, Samuel Beckett and former President of Cuba, Fidel Castro.

9. It's an Unlucky Day Only For Some

Friday the 13th is not universally seen as a day of misery. For example, in Italy, Friday the 17th and not Friday the 13th is considered to be a day that brings bad luck. In fact, the number 13 is considered to be a lucky number!

In many Spanish speaking countries and in Greece, Tuesday the 13th is seen as a day of misfortune.

10. And Research Suggests That It May Not be Unlucky After All

There is very little evidence to show that Friday the 13th is indeed an unlucky day. Many studies have shown that Friday the 13th has little or no effect on events like accidents, hospital visits and natural disasters.

11. The Day Inspired One of the Highest Grossing Film Series

The commercially successful Friday the 13th enterprise includes 12 horror movies, a television series and several books that focus on curses and superstitions. Even though the films and the television series consistently received negative reviews from critics, they have a huge following. The mask worn by the key character in the films, Jason Voorhees, is one of the most known images in popular culture.

12. And a Country to Raise Safety and Accident Awareness

Since 1995, Finland has dedicated one Friday the 13th in a year to observe National Accident Day. The day aims to raise awareness about safety - on the roads, at home and at the workplace.

13. An Asteroid Will Safely Fly By the Earth in 2029

On a Friday the 13th! Friday, April the 13th, 2029 to be exact. When 99942 Apophis was discovered in 2004, it was thought to have a small chance of colliding with Earth. But you can rest easy because since then, scientists have revised their findings which show that there is absolutely no risk of the asteroid impacting the Earth or the Moon.

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“A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could have only one book, what would it be? I always say, "How to Build a Boat.” 

― Stephen Wright

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“When life hands you a lemon, say, 'Oh yeah, I like lemons! What else ya got?” 

― Henry Rollins

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“I was a little excited but mostly blorft. "Blorft" is an adjective I just made up that means 'Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.' I have been blorft every day for the past seven years.” 

― Tina Fey

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What do you call shoes made from bananas?

Slippers.

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There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy. By being happy we sow anonymous benefits upon the world.

Robert Louis Stevenson

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The Chinese have about six thousand characters in their alphabet. So don’t order alphabet soup in a Chinese restaurant unless you are very very hungry.

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“A singer can shatter glass with the proper high note," he said, "but the simplest way to break glass is simply to drop it on the floor.” 

Anne Rice

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Develop success from failures. Discouragement and failure are two of the surest stepping stones to success. 

Dale Carnegie

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I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

Steven Wright

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