Jokes and stuff

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A thief in Paris planned to steal some Paintings from the Louvre .

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas 

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 

'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings

'I had no Monet 

To buy Degas

To make the Van Gogh

See if you have De Gaulle to tell this joke to someone else.... 

I sent told it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.

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There was a competition going on in Spain to see who the worlds greatest swordsman was. 

The final three competitors had been chosen and were brought on stage in front of the anticipating crowd to showcase their talent. 

The first swordsman stepped forward causing the crowd to hush.

One of the judges proceeded to release a small black fly and let it buzz around the stage. 

With the flick of his wrist and faster than you can blink the fly hit the ground in two pieces. 

The audience bursts into applause as the swordsman steps back. 

Next is the second swordsmans turn and he faces the same challenge. 

The fly is is released and in two swift motions he cuts the fly into four pieces.

The audience is even more impressed and gives the man a standing ovation. 

Finally the third swordsman takes the spotlight and another fly is released onto the stage. 

The swordsman takes one quick swish at the fly but it continues to fly around the stage. 

The audience is dumbstruck. 

Finally someone from the audience speaks up: "sir... The fly is still alive." 

"Ah, si" replies the swordsman "but he will never be a father"

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Why do witches fly on brooms? 

Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy! 

(Alternative answer - Because nature abhors a vacuum.)

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What do you get when you put a snowman in a haunted house? 

Ice screams!

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"There is more treasure in books than in all the pirates' loot on Treasure Island and best of all, you can enjoy these riches every day of your life." — Walt Disney Company

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