Jokes and stuff

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People often ask me what is the most effective technique for transforming their life. It is a little embarrassing that after years and years of research and experimentation, I have to say that the best answer is - just be a little kinder. 

― Aldous Huxley

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What do you call a couple of banana peels? 

A pair of slippers! 

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What’s a tree’s favorite drink? 

Root beer!

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A Panda walks into an expensive restaurant, gets seated by the host and looks at the menu. 

He orders the most expensive items on the menu; Porterhouse, A bottle of Chateau Lafite and Black Truffle Cheesecake. 

When the check comes, the Panda pulls out a handgun and shoots the waiter right between the eyes.

As the Panda is walking out the door, the manager stops him. 

"What the heck do you think you are doing Panda," he says. "Not only are you skipping out on the check, but you SHOT my employee."

"It's ok sir," the Panda responds, "I'm a panda" 

"You KILLED someone, you can't get away with this!" yells the manager.

"Don't be silly," says the Panda. "I'm a panda, look it up in the dictionary" And he casually walks out the door.

The manager, not knowing what to do with himself, grabs a dictionary and flips to P, finding "Panda":

panda. noun. Large mammal, indigenous to China. Eats shoots and leaves

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"Book collecting is an obsession, an occupation, a disease, an addiction, a fascination, an absurdity, a fate. It is not a hobby. Those who do it must do it. Those who do not do it, think of it as a cousin of stamp collecting, a sister of the trophy cabinet, bastard of a sound bank account and a weak mind." 

— Jeanette Winterson

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