Jokes and stuff

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A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." 

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. 

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" 

"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. 

He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.

As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!" 

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "

But, I did send them." 

What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. 

"Yes. That's how we won the case." 

"I don't understand," said the lawyer. 

"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

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PLEASE READ THIS WARNING -

DO NOT wash your hair in the shower!!

It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!!

IT INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT. WARNING TO US ALL!!! Shampoo Warning!

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label this warning; "FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."

No wonder I have been gaining weight!

Well! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn Dishwashing Soap. It's label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved! If I don't post for awhile, I'll be in the shower!

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Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. 

They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.

They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, 

they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. 

As a result, they missed the final.

The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.

They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. 

He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. 

"Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy."

Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:

(For 95 points): Which tire?

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Why are cats good at video games? 

Because they have nine lives! 

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Why did the bee get married? 

He found his honey!

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You make me giggle like a giddy Hello Kitty schoolgirl on a Rainbow Brite pony.

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