Poem I wrote

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BLAST ZONE

Along the braided river

I left my pride behind

The earth began to quiver

To swallow up my mind

I never left the blast zone

Since it was wiped pure clean

Blown up to the ozone

A stark and tranquil scene

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poem I wrote

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DEMONS

Wounded ..

Immediately scenarios of revenge

Flash in my mind

Before

I cast them out.

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Jokes and stuff

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All the kids get an assignment to write during a class: “What would I do if I were a principal.” 

Only little Carrie isn’t writing anything. 

Teacher: “Carrie, why aren’t you writing?” 

Carrie: “I’m waiting for the secretary so I could dictate it!” 

===============

“Mom, how was I born?”

 “A stork brought you.” 

“How about dad?” 

“Him too.” 

“And grandparents?” 

“And all the grandparents.” 

Later that evening, little Matthew is writing in his diary: “In the past 60 years, not a single natural birth occurred in this family.” 

===============

A man comes to the barber shop. 

Customer: “Okay, I want you to cut it all at the top, but leave it uneven on the sides. Also make one sideburn longer than the other. Also make small holes on the back of my head.” 

Barber: “I’m not sure if I’ll know to make a haircut like that.” 

Customer: “Well, you sure knew how to cut it like that  the last time.”

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Why do witches wear name tags?  

So you can tell which witch is which!

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What game do kid ghosts love?

Hide and shriek!

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poem i wrote

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GRIEF

Sad and alone 

He struggles to rise

With tears in his eyes

His pain like a stone

A stone in his heart

A stone not moved aside

From the tomb of his hope

His grief kept inside

How much can he lose 

When he can't even choose?

Yet he gets up and tries

With tears in his eyes

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Jokes and stuff

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A thief in Paris planned to steal some Paintings from the Louvre .

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas 

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 

'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings

'I had no Monet 

To buy Degas

To make the Van Gogh

See if you have De Gaulle to tell this joke to someone else.... 

I sent told it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.

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There was a competition going on in Spain to see who the worlds greatest swordsman was. 

The final three competitors had been chosen and were brought on stage in front of the anticipating crowd to showcase their talent. 

The first swordsman stepped forward causing the crowd to hush.

One of the judges proceeded to release a small black fly and let it buzz around the stage. 

With the flick of his wrist and faster than you can blink the fly hit the ground in two pieces. 

The audience bursts into applause as the swordsman steps back. 

Next is the second swordsmans turn and he faces the same challenge. 

The fly is is released and in two swift motions he cuts the fly into four pieces.

The audience is even more impressed and gives the man a standing ovation. 

Finally the third swordsman takes the spotlight and another fly is released onto the stage. 

The swordsman takes one quick swish at the fly but it continues to fly around the stage. 

The audience is dumbstruck. 

Finally someone from the audience speaks up: "sir... The fly is still alive." 

"Ah, si" replies the swordsman "but he will never be a father"

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Why do witches fly on brooms? 

Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy! 

(Alternative answer - Because nature abhors a vacuum.)

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What do you get when you put a snowman in a haunted house? 

Ice screams!

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"There is more treasure in books than in all the pirates' loot on Treasure Island and best of all, you can enjoy these riches every day of your life." — Walt Disney Company

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Jokes and stuff

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Then and Now .... 

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What snowstorm preparation was like in the 1970s:

Hear on the 6 `o' clock news that there will be snow the day after tomorrow. "Some accumulation," the weatherman says. He talks about the snow for less than 30 seconds. Continue eating your Hamburger Helper.

Go to the A&P in the morning and casually get some milk, a loaf of Wonderbread and some Velveeta.

Check the shed to make sure the big red snow shovel's still there and that the kids haven't used it to build a fort in the vacant lot down the street where they like to play unattended for hours with all other neighborhood kids after school. It's there. The end.

Put the chains on the car tires, make a pot of soup and a batch of Chex Mix and pour yourself a drink. You are done.

If it snows more than a foot overnight, school will be canceled. You will just somehow know that there is no school because you will use your common sense. There MIGHT be a phone tree. Keyword is MIGHT.

Snow Day!! This means you can bundle the children within an inch of their lives and send them outside in whiteout conditions and 20 below temps FOR THE REST OF THE DAY while you stay inside, watch "As the World Turns," smoke Eves, do your nails and wait for the snow plow.

Throw salt all over the front steps. Boil some water and stir up a few packets of Swiss Miss hot chocolate for when the kids come back in.

Looks like you're going to get two feet of snow with this one. Oh well. Stick your head out the screen door and take a couple Polaroids of the kids' snowman they built since you forgot to buy film and flashbulbs for the Kodak Ektralite. Too much of a pain to take the pictures to the Fotomat to get developed, and who wants to see a bunch of pictures of snow anyway? It snows ALL WINTER LONG. Big deal.

Ask some neighborhood teens to shovel your driveway for you. They gladly do this in exchange for grilled cheese sandwiches.

If the electricity goes out, pile extra afghans on the beds and put all the food from the fridge outside on the back porch. It'll keep just fine in these temperatures and the electric will be back on in a couple days. Nothing to worry over. There's always the kerosene heater and the fireplace or the coal furnace in the cellar.

Snow is now piled to the eaves of the house. There will be school tomorrow.

Let the kids go sledding at night after dinner. Have an Irish Coffee. Go to bed early. 

=======================

What snowstorm preparation is like in 2016:

Get a news alert on your smartphone that in ten days the blizzard of the Millennium is going to strike. Turn on 24 hour cable news immediately for round the clock coverage.

Look for constant updates on WINTER STORM CHIONE. Look to see what everyone is posting on Facebook about it. Pretend you know how to pronounce Chione.

Three days before the storm is supposed to hit the governor will declare a State of Emergency. It's 70 degrees and sunny out.

Rush to Whole Foods and buy $756.00 worth of healthy junk food. You cannot weather a blizzard like this without hemp seed ghost pepper non-GMO tortilla chips, and the kids won't survive without vegan, fruit sweetened gummies.

Charge all devices. This includes the five Kindles you own, two tablets, three smartphones, the laptop, and your fancy toothbrushes.

Check to see if Anderson Cooper is wearing his casual clothes and if he has gone outside. If Anderson Cooper is broadcasting from outside, you are basically screwed.

Yup. We're all going to die.

Brace yourselves. There are going to be a lot of Game of Thrones memes on social about this.

Snowmageddon is definitely happening. It is all over the Internet. School is now closed two days before it is supposed to snow. You know, to keep the children safe from all the people rushing to Target and fighting one another tooth and nail for the last loaf of Ezekiel bread, organic 2% milk, and cage-free Omega 3 eggs. Because if we're going to go off our Paleo diets for some French Toast, it should at least be whole freaking grain. (I think?) Whatever, screw it.

There is a sugar coating of very fine snow on your flagstone walkway leading up to your meticulously restored craftsman cottage. DO NOT GO OUTSIDE. It is dangerous in these conditions. Oh my God, it is 33 degrees. Screenshot the weather app from your phone and tweet it. #brrrr #freezingtodeath #winterstormchione

But wait!! At least you get to wear your Uggs! And your buffalo plaid!

Receive an automated call at 4 in the morning that school is canceled basically until the end of the month because of the winter storm's devastation.

Check Pinterest for educational snow day crafts and activities to keep the children engaged and learning. Do not let them outside to play in the inch of snow that just fell because OMG frostbite.

Take lots of pictures of the snow. Post to Instagram. The Amaro filter makes snow look like a photo from the Anthropologie catalog.

Post all the same pictures to Facebook too. Complain about how bored you are, but then hashtag your status #blessed.

Relent and let the kids outside. Bundle them up within an inch of their lives.

Forget that you didn't make them go pee first. Unbundle them and make them all go to the bathroom. Then rebundle them. By now an hour and a half has passed.

Only let them stay out long enough to get some good candid shots of them building a snowman, even though you are the one who actually built the snowman because you needed it to look just so. Do not let them go sledding because they could get traumatic head injuries. You have read enough stories online about accidents like that and how they could have easily been prevented by just keeping children inside attached to screens all day.

Is this hot chocolate fair trade? And oh my God, who can you hire to shovel this away? Does your landscaping company take care of snow removal? Because there's no way you can figure out the ethanol powered, cordless, half solar snowblower you bought on sale for $900.00 because it seemed like a good idea at the time.

There is at least four inches of snow. The electricity went out for five minutes. You have plowed through the bag of ghost pepper chips and you are sure the world is ending. Scroll through your phone looking for the best deals to Aruba this weekend.

The day after the storm hits, the meteorologists will apologize profusely that they said there'd 75 inches of snow and ice and 89 mile per hour winds, even though you got maybe five inches total when all was said and done and it melted overnight. Blame climate change. The forecast models are very unpredictable. Shrug.

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What do ghosts wear around their neck to look smart? 

Boo! Ties!

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 Where do ghosts get their hair done for Halloween? 

At the scare-dresser! 

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What happened to the man who crossed a cow with a rooster? 

He got an animal that mooed at the crack of dawn!

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“What did you learn in Chemistry today?”

 “Today we learned about explosive substances!”

 “That’s nice. And what will they teach you at school tomorrow?” 

“What school?”

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My Facebook page

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It is public. 

(1) Penelope Snopes | Facebook

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Card of the day

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Card of the day

Magician - Thoth Deck

Practical 

Meaning and purpose

Powers of Creation

Trial and error

Basic structures, patterns, cycles, rhythms

Experimenting to get things done

Rather secretive

Passion and desire

Unity and balance

Earth, fire, water, air all combine for power

Great energy and potential

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poem I wrote

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MY DREAM

I wish we could meet as children

To run and laugh and play

Our hearts as light as bubbles

On a golden summer day

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Card of the day

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Card of the day

Hanged Man - Motherpeace Deck

Brave, courage, confidence

Willingness to turn the world around

Nonconformity

Things are in suspense

Between stages of life

Ready to grow or benefit 

No turning back

Spiritual crisis between reality and the unknown

Using experience and Hindsight

Faith and destiny

Giving in to life process entirely

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poem i wrote

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MOBIUS TRIP

Zig zag

Criss Cross

Hokey Pokey

Storm tossed

Over the rainbow

Through the mill

Under the radar

Never still

Beside myself 

Behind blue eyes

Deep in my heart

Tangled ribbon of lies

Over my dead body

Burning ring of fire

Hither and yon

Higher and higher

Out of the frying pan

Spin me right round

Down the rabbit hole

Deep underground

Up up and away

I believe I can fly

After the gold rush

Give peace a try

Lonely as a cloud

Let the story unfold

Walk five hundred miles

Down the yellow brick road

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Jokes and stuff

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"Book collecting is an obsession, an occupation, a disease, an addiction, a fascination, an absurdity, a fate. It is not a hobby. Those who do it must do it. Those who do not do it, think of it as a cousin of stamp collecting, a sister of the trophy cabinet, bastard of a sound bank account and a weak mind." 

— Jeanette Winterson

Q. What's a cats favorite color?

A. Purr-ple

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What did the Mama Cow say to the Baby Cow?

It's pasture bedtime.

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What do you get when you cross an octopus and a cow?

An animal that can milk itself.

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“It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future.”

― Yogi Berra

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What has a bottom on its top? 

Your legs! 

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What did one eye say to the other? 

“Something between us smells!”

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Jokes and stuff

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People often ask me what is the most effective technique for transforming their life. It is a little embarrassing that after years and years of research and experimentation, I have to say that the best answer is - just be a little kinder. 

― Aldous Huxley

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What do you call a couple of banana peels? 

A pair of slippers! 

=====================

What’s a tree’s favorite drink? 

Root beer!

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A Panda walks into an expensive restaurant, gets seated by the host and looks at the menu. 

He orders the most expensive items on the menu; Porterhouse, A bottle of Chateau Lafite and Black Truffle Cheesecake. 

When the check comes, the Panda pulls out a handgun and shoots the waiter right between the eyes.

As the Panda is walking out the door, the manager stops him. 

"What the heck do you think you are doing Panda," he says. "Not only are you skipping out on the check, but you SHOT my employee."

"It's ok sir," the Panda responds, "I'm a panda" 

"You KILLED someone, you can't get away with this!" yells the manager.

"Don't be silly," says the Panda. "I'm a panda, look it up in the dictionary" And he casually walks out the door.

The manager, not knowing what to do with himself, grabs a dictionary and flips to P, finding "Panda":

panda. noun. Large mammal, indigenous to China. Eats shoots and leaves

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"Book collecting is an obsession, an occupation, a disease, an addiction, a fascination, an absurdity, a fate. It is not a hobby. Those who do it must do it. Those who do not do it, think of it as a cousin of stamp collecting, a sister of the trophy cabinet, bastard of a sound bank account and a weak mind." 

— Jeanette Winterson

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Quote of the day

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"I cannot remember the books I've read any more than the meals I have eaten; even so, they have made me." 

— Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Card of the day

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Card of the day

Nine of Swords - Motherpeace Deck

Must find a way to make peace with the pain and suffering

Don't be a victim of your own thoughts

Awaken to what is really bothering you

False friends are worse than no friends

In darkness the demons seem larger

A solution can be found

Air sign - has to do with thoughts

Nightmares are not real but can seem real at the time

Conflict between head and heart

Waking Up

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Poem I wrote

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NEITHER

Atoms are neither female nor male

Energy is neither female nor male

Planets are neither female nor male

Chemicals are neither female nor male

The whole Universe is neither female nor male

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Card of the day

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Card of the day

Chariot - Enchanted Tarot

Power, ambition, determination

Burning desire

Has chosen his purpose

Will emerge the victor

Blaze new trails

Discipline and control

Possibility of getting distracted

Suppressing feeling and emotion to hold on

Help from the forces of nature

See a strong white light surrounding you

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The Day I Saved the Frogs

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When I was in high school in Yorktown Heights I was not doing well in science. The teacher offered us a chance to earn extra credits if we brought in a large frog. I went to a local marshy area and caught a huge bull frog. The next day I brought it to school where it was placed in a large tank with water and rocks. There were about six other frogs in the tank. I was proud that mine was the biggest.

Later, near the end of class, the teacher mentioned that we were going to dissect the frogs and see their beating hearts! I almost fainted with horror. It was all I could think about. When the class ended I waited to talk to the teacher to ask for my frog back. While I was standing there another girl in the class drew me aside. She was Pam Panta, the daughter of the earth science teacher. She told me it wouldn't do any good to ask for my frog. I wouldn't get it back. 

So we cooked up a scheme to rescue all the frogs. I got my big bucket and we broke into the empty classroom and put all the frogs in the bucket. We we nervous about being caught, but somehow we got the frogs out of the school without anyone catching us. I took the frogs back to the marshy area and set them all free. It was the best feeling seeing them hop and plop back into the water.

The next day Pam and I tried to look innocent and normal. The science teacher was furious the frogs were gone. He knew someone had taken them. He knew it was me. Either I looked guilty, or he had seen how horrified I was the day before. After class he told me that if I didn't bring the frogs back he was going to fail me. I tried to lie and act innocent, but I'm not good at that. I never mentioned Pam, and he didn't suspect her because she was a teacher's daughter and we didn't hang out together routinely.

Sure enough he failed me. He threatened to have me prosecuted for theft, but he only failed me. I had to take the class again in summer school. We never did dissect live frogs, just horrible pickled frogs in formaldehyde. They smelled horrible. I didn't see the point in doing it. But we cut the dead frogs up and labeled the body parts. It was disgusting.

But still, I had a happy feeling inside knowing that my bull frog, and the other frogs, were out there in the wild. Happy in the marsh. 

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Jokes

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Ƹ*_*Ʒ. - The Diet

A woman is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." 

When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. 

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" 

The woman nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." 

"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor." 

"No, from skipping."

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Why did the bacon laugh? 

Because the egg cracked a yolk! 

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What do cats put in their drinks? 

Mice cubes!

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card of the day

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Card of the day

Queen of Cups - Rider Waite deck (my training deck)

Protected by love, warmth, caring

Pursue the creative arts - poetry, music, literature, painting

Open yourself up to new visions, new possibilities

Follow the prompting of your heart

Keep your emotions under control

Faithful, loving, imaginative

Trouble saying "no" to anyone

Possibility of becoming depressed and withdrawn

Send warm loving feelings going out to those who need them

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Poem I wrote

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POLLUTED WITH THE CURSE

Something is lost that is never found

Something is broken that is never made whole

Something is taken but never returned

Something is wrong that is never made right

Something is soiled that is never made clean

Something is soured that is never made sweet

Something is darkened that is never made light 

Something is asked that is never answered

Something is emptied that is never refilled

Something is owed that is never paid

Something is bloody that never heals

Something is hungry that has never been fed

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Jokes and stuff

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My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.

 Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.

 She said, 'you gave me too much money.'

 I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'

 She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.

 I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don't do that kind of thing.'

 The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.

 Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

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We had to have the garage door repaired.

 The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

 I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

 He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'

 I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

 We haven't used that repairman since...

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I live in a semi rural area.

 We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEAR CROSSING sign on our road.

 The reason: 'Too many dears are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

===============

 IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.

 My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.

 She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

 He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

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I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,

 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

 To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

 He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

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The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.

 I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.

 She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.

 I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

 Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a government employee.....

============

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a 

 service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

 We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

 As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

`Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'

 His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

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Why did Johnny bring his skunk to school? 

For show-and-smell!

======================

How do you make a milk shake? 

Scare it!

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There is no key to happiness; the door is always open.

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jokes and stuff

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One of my favorite jokes:

During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when a particular prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up. The new rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98-year-old man who was one of the original founders of their shul. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.

The one whose followers stood during the prayer asked the old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?"

The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."

The one whose followers sat said, "Then the tradition is to sit!"

The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."

Then the rabbi said to the old man, "But the congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand."

The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is the tradition!"

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How is a cat different from a frog? 

A cat has nine lives while a frog croaks every day! 

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Where do baby cows eat their lunch at school? 

The calf-eteria!

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Card of the day

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Card of the day

Two of Wands - Rider Waite deck (my training deck)

A grasp of what you are capable of achieving

You know what needs to be done

Follow the plan you've laid out

You are moving in the right direction

Pause for a moment of contemplation

Balance of masculine and feminine

Thoughts for new directions and explorations

Relax and let the earth's powerful strength flow up through you

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Quote I like

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"I needed some sleep, I needed a vacation, I needed money, I needed more life insurance, but all I had was a coat, a hat, and a gun. "

Hammett

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Poem I wrote

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SIREN CALL

As I crouched in darkness, lost and savage

In the Void, the Dark Abyss

Art reached out with invisible power 

And woke me up with a lover's kiss

I followed the music into the night

Expressed my rage and pulsing pain

Instead of defeat I was ready to fight 

To get back my life again

Years have passed, my heart has healed 

I'm no longer filled with strife

But I remember every day

How art came and saved my life

Bless the artists, bold and loud

Who never ever knew

How their music was the siren call

To rise and see life through

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Poem I wrote

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I WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT

I Was a Dark and Stormy Night

Cold relentless rain lashing blue windows

Running down

Down

To rivers overflowing their banks

Sweeping away homes, families, lights, hope

Bridges

Leaving nothing, nothing

But  howling wind and  empty black night.

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Card of the day

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Card of the day

Wheel of Fortune - Rider Waite deck (my training deck)

A self assessment tool

Get a fix on where you are coming and where you are headed

Coming and going of all things

Today's challenges are tomorrow's opportunities

You are not locked into any one stage of your life

Go with the flow and grow

Recognize cycles and rhythms

Take responsibility for your reaction to what ever comes around.

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Jokes and stuff

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Where do you find the most vampires in New York? 

The Vampire State Building! 

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Where do you get microwaves? 

Tiny beaches!

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Doctor, doctor, I've a pain at the base of my back! 

Let’s get to the bottom of this!

=================

What does the cat like on his hot dogs! 

Mouse-stard! 

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What do cats like to eat? 

Mice-cream!

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“One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden stakes.”

Jack Handy

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What does the cat like on his hot dogs!    

 Mouse-stard! 

------------------------------

What do cats like to eat? 

Mice-cream!

===========

“One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden stakes.”

 Jack Handy

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Card of the day

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Card of the day

Six of Swords - Rider - Waite Tarot (my training deck)

Navigate Through Problems

Learning to Deal with problems

Living your life despite difficulties

A more open mind

Putting some distance between the now and the past

Moving towards calmer waters

Relaxed Attitude

Mind overstimulated (air rules this card)

Productive thoughts of a calm mind

New direction

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Poem I wrote

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The Kind of Tree I Like

The kind of tree I like has seen storms, drought, brutal winters

It has been hit by lightening, scorched, had initials carved into it

And encased rusty barbed wire in the living wood.

The kind of tree I like has gnarled roots laid bare by erosion

And a dead branch that might be dangerous if it fell.

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Jokes and stuff

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Where does a bee sit? 

On his bee-hind! 

===========================

What has 18 legs and catches flies? 

A baseball team!

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“If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?” 

― Steven Wright

“We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.” 

― Dan Quayle

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Poem I wrote

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I WOULD

If I could dry your tears

If I could calm your fears

If I could take your pain

And make things right again

I WOULD

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Thought of the day

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“As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.”

― H.L. Mencken, On Politics: A Carnival of Buncombe

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Jokes and stuff

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A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." 

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. 

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" 

"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. 

He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.

As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!" 

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "

But, I did send them." 

What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. 

"Yes. That's how we won the case." 

"I don't understand," said the lawyer. 

"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

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PLEASE READ THIS WARNING -

DO NOT wash your hair in the shower!!

It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!!

IT INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT. WARNING TO US ALL!!! Shampoo Warning!

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label this warning; "FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."

No wonder I have been gaining weight!

Well! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn Dishwashing Soap. It's label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved! If I don't post for awhile, I'll be in the shower!

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Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. 

They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.

They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, 

they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. 

As a result, they missed the final.

The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.

They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. 

He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. 

"Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy."

Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:

(For 95 points): Which tire?

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Why are cats good at video games? 

Because they have nine lives! 

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Why did the bee get married? 

He found his honey!

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You make me giggle like a giddy Hello Kitty schoolgirl on a Rainbow Brite pony.

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Card of the day

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Card of the day

Three of cups- Rider - Waite Tarot (my training deck)

Celebration (perhaps excessive) 

Emotions swirl

Radiant positive feeling - or trying to create one with substances

Love's promise to heal

Denied pleasure and sensitivity in life

Your work might suffer as you try to party hearty

Discuss joyful creative and healing ideas

Merry meet and merry part and merry meet again.

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Poem I wrote

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CAN A CLOUD HAVE A BAD SHAPE?

I wish you were not in peril

I wish you weren't hoping to die

Don't you see the same clouds as I do

When you look up into the sky?

How majestically they pass over

Leaving the sky clear and blue

They won't ever darken and hover

To constantly pour rain on you

We will wait, precious friend, for that moment

When the clouds in your life float on by

They're a promise and not a bad omen

There's no need for you to die

There's a difference between broke and broken

Between grief and fatal despair

Let the clouds be our bond and our token

Of the good times ahead we can share.

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Jokes and stuff

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Who invented King Arthur's round table?

Sir Cumference!

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Which side of a chicken has the most feathers? 

The outside! 

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Which fish are known for their miracles? 

Angelfish! 

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Which fish can still get around when the water is frozen? 

Skates!

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╰♥.☆.♥╮ 

Today in Elvis Presley History

1935 - Elvis Aaron Presley was born in Tupelo, Mississippi. His twin brother Jessie Garon was stillborn. 

1946 - Elvis Presley received his first guitar from his parents. 

1955 - Elvis Presley's third single "Milkcow Blues Boogie" was released. 

1956 - Elvis Presley performed at The Louisiana Hayride. He also performed the previous day. 

1957 - The Memphis Draft Board announced that Elvis Presley had been classified as A1 and that he would probably be drafted within the next six to eight months. 

1959 - Dick Clark, host of American Bandstand, called Elvis in Germany to tell him that he had been voted most popular singer of the year and that his record "King Creole" was the most popular record of the year. 

1965 - Hal Wallis agreed to change Elvis Presley's 1958 contract into a five-picture deal. The movies Elvis made under the contract were "Blue Hawaii", "Girls! Girls! Girls!", "Fun In Acapulco", "Roustabout" and "Paradise Hawaiian Style". 

1981 - "Elvis Presley Day" was declared in Alabama, Florida, Georgia, Illinois, Kansas, North & South Carolina, Pennsylvania and Virginia. 

1993 - The U.S. Postal Service released a stamp of Elvis. The picture used was one of Elvis in the 1950's. 

2004 - RCA Records and BMG Strategic Marketing Group with the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) announced that Elvis Presley had become the best selling solo artist in U.S. history.

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What do cats call their grandfather? 

Grandpaw! 

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What do cows listen to? 

Moo-sic!

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The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused. ~ Shirley Maclaine

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Card of the day

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Card of the day

Ace of Pentacles - Rider - Waite Tarot (my training deck)

Good foundation

Fertile soil

What you have been longing for

The star you wish upon

Knowledge and the materialization of ideas

Stability and earthly power

A new beginning

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Poem I wrote

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THE ONE

He was the Black Sheep

The sacrificial lamb 

The one they led to the slaughter

And never brought home again

He was the Wild One

Who ran off into the night

Driven nearly mad and bad

Trying to prove them right

He was the Vilified One

The innocent sacrifice

The most intelligent of the angels

He was the one who paid the price.

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Card of the day

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Card of the day

King of Swords - Gem and Mineral Tarot

Represented by Gold - Gold symbolises the purity of the spiritual aspect of "All That Is". It is symbolic of spirituality and development in the realm of complete understanding, allowing one to both attain and maintain communion with the source of all being. ... Gold has also been used to open and to activate the third-eye and crown chakras.

Experiences of the past used to guide your thinking

Fair decisions, especially involving others

Duality of thoughts, in favor of action

Air element, so this is about thoughts more than actions

Calm and dignified

Harmony and balance

Outward appearance of calm which might, in reality, conceal inner turmoil

Clever use of words

Be aware, there are others who would love to share your thoughts

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Jokes and stuff

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Report Card

A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together.

Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it? ), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?

Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,

Rosie.

At the bottom of the page were the letters " PTO".

Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet over and read:

PS:

Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home.

I love you!

Your loving daughter,

Rosie

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How do bees brush their hair? 

With a honey comb!

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What do you do with a sick wasp? 

Take it to a waspital!

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If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

-- Mark Twain

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Jokes and stuff

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An overweight man was standing on the scale weighing himself when his wife came by and said,

"It doesn't do any good to suck your stomach in like that".

He told her, "It does if you if you want to see those numbers."

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What do you call a sick eagle? 

Ill-eagle!

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 Why was the baby ant so confused? 

Because all of her uncles were ants.

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Werewolves are much more common animals than you might think.

~ Daniel Pinkwater

Jokes and stuff

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Why did dragons sleep through the day?

So they could fight knights! 

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Why did the frog stop jumping? 

It was un-hoppy!

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Why do vampire films have such large a cast? 

For all the bit parts! 

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Why are goldfish orange? 

They got rusty! 

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Why are leopards so bad at hide and seek? 

They are always spotted!

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What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?

Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!

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Why don’t crows ever get hit by cars? 

Because one is always in a tree yelling “caw caw”!

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“Books are lighthouses erected in the great sea of time” ~ Edwin P. Whipple

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Card of the day

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Card of the day

Four of Cups - Gem and Mineral Tarot

Represented by Magnetite - This is a strong spiritual grounding stone, that works by grounding you, down through the base chakra to the earth star chakra. Magnetite is also a very protective stone that will dispel all negative or harmful energies. Anything that's not allowing your spirit to shine will be removed

Time to reassess, reevaluate

Answers to your questions

Prayer and meditation

Spiritual love

Reevaluation can change your future

Your personal value system

Purification

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Poem I wrote

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LOOKING

I see the artist 

As he's sketching me

He shows me how I look to him

He doesn't know what I see

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Jokes and stuff

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What happened to the man who crossed Darth Vader and a toad? 

He got Star Warts! 

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Why did the banana go to the doctor? 

Because it wasn’t peeling well! 

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Why did the bird go to the gift shop? 

Because he wanted a tweet! 

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Why did the boy keep oiling the rat? 

Because it wouldn’t stop squeaking!

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What fish like to come out at night?

Starfish! 

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What does a jelly fish have on its tummy? 

A jelly button!

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There is no great loss without some small gain.

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Poem I wrote

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STAGES OF HOPING AND COPING

Mildly concerned

Concerned

Starting to worry

Worried

Quite worried

Extremely worried

Frantically worried

Out of my mind with worry

Can't breathe

Pacing and plotting solutions

Exhausted with worry

Collapsing from exhaustion

Feeling powerless

Giving up

Putting it in the hands of my Higher Power

Taking it back

Pacing and planning

Exhausted again

Unhealthy behavior

Giving up again

Putting it back in the hands of my Higher Power

Trusting for a while

Trying to think of how to get power

Failing to think of a way

Leaving it in the hands of my Higher Power

Surrendering

Hoping for the best

Hoping

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Jokes and stuff

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Husband:    My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Officer:    Age?

Husband:    I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60.  We don't do birthdays.

Officer:   Height?

Husband:     I'm not sure.  A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER :   Weight?

Husband:     Don't know.  Not slim, not really fat.

OFFICER :    Color of eyes?

Husband:    Sort of brown I think.

OFFICER :    Color of hair?

Husband:   Changes a couple times a year.  Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.

OFFICER :    What was she wearing?

Husband:    Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts.  I don't know exactly.

OFFICER :    What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:     She went in my truck.

OFFICER :    What kind of truck was it?

Husband :    A 2017, manufactured September 16th, pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 .with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera,

Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning.  It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch,

sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets.  I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires.

It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.

 At this point the husband started choking up.

OFFICER   :    Take it easy sir,      We'll find your truck.

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Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in mud, then cross the road again? 

He was a dirty double crosser! 

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Why did the chicken, the turkey, the duck, and the goose all cross the road? 

For some fowl reason! 

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Why did the Archaeopteryx catch the worm? 

It was an early bird!

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“There was one great tomb more lordly than all the rest; huge it was, and nobly proportioned. On it was but one word, DRACULA.” 

― Bram Stoker - DRACULA

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Card of the day

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Card of the day

The Hierophant- Thoth Tarot

Tradition

A teacher, sometimes a spiritual teacher

Your path is personal

A beacon in the night

Knowledge of right and wrong

Keeper of the old ways

Loving spiritual practices of your own design

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Poem I wrote

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Poem I wrote:

SPIRIT IN THE BRANCHES

It was a ghost not a spirit

I saw rise from the ground

In the old cemetery

At the edge of my town

I knew the difference

Between the two

A ghost is a memory

A spirit is new

New and still shining

With the life force inside

I once saw a spirit

Someone had just died

They died in a car wreck

From what I could see

That poor little spirit

Clung high up in a tree

I cried and I prayed

For that spirit to rise

To go to the light

Then I just dried my eyes

I don't know where

I don't know when

I just prayed for that spirit

To go home again

A ghost is a memory

Like an old film you see

But a spirit has Light

And can cling to a tree

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Jokes and stuff

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(*_*) - Texas Cowboy

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. 

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." 

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." 

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. 

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. 

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." 

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. 

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

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Why did the hen go halfway across the road and stop? 

She wanted to lay it on the line! 

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Why did the igloo not have a couch? 

So polar bears couldn’t hide behind it!

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Why did the chicken cross the beach? 

To get to the other tide! 

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Why did the chicken cross the clothing store? 

To get to the other size!

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Why did the chicken cross the playground? 

To get to the other slide!

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“We're lost, but we're making good time.”

― Yogi Berra

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What’s the difference between a fly and a bird? 

A bird can fly but a fly can’t bird!

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Why did the flies go to Paris? 

Because they wanted to be French flies!

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“When one creates phantoms for oneself, one puts vampires into the world, and one must nourish these children of a voluntary nightmare with one's blood, one's life, one's intelligence, and one's reason, without ever satisfying them”

 Eliphas Levi

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Jokes and stuff

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What has wheels and a trunk but no engine? 

An elephant on roller skates!

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Why do elephants never get rich? 

Because they work for peanuts!

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Why are fish so easy to weigh?

Because they come with their own scales!

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“Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”

― George Carlin

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Poem I wrote

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PLOTZ

1) Savage cannibalistic mutants are involved in a complicated power struggle for ruler of the group. Many false accusations are hurled back and forth. Lawsuits follow. 

2) On a journey of self discovery a student has an affair with a college professor. She turns out to be an energy vampire, but she has tenure. He stays, feeling drained and confused.

3) A princess escapes from a decaying mansion owned by a decadent glam rock band. After two failed relationships she has a rewarding marriage with the manager of a bird sanctuary.

4) Two sisters end up living together after they are widowed. One has extensive plastic surgery and dates men who disappoint her.  The other has a religious awakening in an oddball church and marries a good humored clergyman.

5) Childhood Innocence is trampled by a marching High School Band wearing ape costumes. Childhood Innocence is a teddy bear owned by a little girl named Mary Anne.

6) Culturally rigid aliens indulge their children's every whim when they mistakenly think their planet is about to be destroyed. The children grow up to be independent thinkers. 

7) A prison psychiatrist is convinced he brings bad luck to everyone he tries to help. An inmate proves him wrong when he is rehabilitated and invents a life saving medical device.

8) A flaky waitress on a resort island is surreptitiously studied by the same anthropologist who studied her mother. Many similarities are noted. 

9) An Aztec deity falls into a New York City pothole. In a fit of rage he starts a cholera epidemic. This strains his relationship with his parents who are trying to sell their brownstone.

10) The lead singer of a failed punk band joins a commune of musical misfits in a moment of despair. They make an awesome Death Metal album. 

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