Jokes of the day

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“A daydreamer is prepared for most things.”

― Joyce Carol Oates

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Question: What goes, "Oh, Oh, Oh?" 

Answer: Santa walking backwards!

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Question: Why did the elf put his little wood bed in the fireplace? 

Answer: He wanted to sleep like a log! 

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Question: Why did the Christmas cookie go to the doctor?

Answer: He felt crummy.

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Nylons give women a run for their money.

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Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.

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Hand over the calculator, friends don’t let friends derive drunk.

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“I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.” 

― Steven Wright

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"These are not wrinkles. These are survival lines of my life. Each one holds 

a story, a laugh or a memory. They are like snowflakes. No two are alike."

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Why are baby snakes always so happy? 

They come with their own rattle! 

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What did the rats play at recess? 

Hide and squeak!

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Tis easier to prevent bad habits than to break them. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790) 

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For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen.

~ Douglas Adams

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"The large print givith, and the small print taketh away" -- Tom Waits, Step Right Up

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“One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden stakes.”

 Jack Handy 

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A chicken walks into the library. It goes up to the circulation desk and says: "book, bok, bok, boook". The librarian hands the chicken a book. It tucks it under his wing and runs out. 

A while later, the chicken runs back in, throws the first book into the return bin and goes back to the librarian saying: "book, bok, bok, bok, boook". 

Again the librarian gives it a book, and the chicken runs out. The librarian shakes her head. Within a few minutes, the chicken is back, returns the book and starts all over again: "boook, book, bok bok boook". 

The librarian gives him yet a third book, but this time as the chicken is running out the door, she follows it. The chicken runs down the street, through the park and down to the riverbank. 

There, sitting on a lily pad is a big, green frog. The chicken holds up the book and shows it to the frog, saying: "Book, bok, bok, boook". The frog blinks, and croaks: "read-it, read-it, read-it". 

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