Jokes and stuff

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What do you call a cat between two buildings?

An alley cat

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Who is a copycat’s best friend?

A mockingbird

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Why did Mike’s mom feed him in the barn?

Because he ate like a horse

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Why is it good to have two heads?

Just in case you want to change your mind

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What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away.

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How do you count cows?

With a cowculator.

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Jokes and stuff

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What do you get when you mix a black dog with a white dog?

A greyhound

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Why was the cat scared of the tree?

Because of its bark

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What did the traffic light say to the car?

Don’t look, I’m changing!

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What did the summer say to the spring?

Help, I’m going to fall!

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"Be a rainbow in someone else's cloud."

— Maya Angelou

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Jokes and stuff

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A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

A question mark walks into a bar?

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

Falling slowly, slowly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

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Jokes and stuff

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The teacher asks Harry: "What is the closest, Australia or the moon?"

Harry, "The moon of course!"

Teacher, "Why do you think that?"

Harry, " You can see the moon from here, but not Australia!"

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A father asks his son, "So, did you like your first day of school?"

Son, "The first day?’ You mean I have to go back tomorrow?"

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Harry comes home from school and says proudly, " Mom I learned to write!"

Mom, "And what you write Harry?"

Harry, "I don't know, I haven't learned to read."

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The teacher asks Harry, " Harry, you have 14 potatoes and you have to give the same share to seven people, how do you do that?

Harry, "I would make mashed potatoes."

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Jokes and stuff

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Teacher: “Do you listen to your father or your mother more?”

Pupil: “My mother.”

Teacher: “Why?”

Pupil: “Because she talks more.”

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First shepherd: “How many sheep do you have?”

Second shepherd: “I have no idea! Whenever I start to count them, I fall asleep.”

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Two fishes are watching TV. The next show starts, a show on fishing.

The first fish says, “Oh no, they’re playing horror movies again!”

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Baby bear: “Someone has been eating my porridge!”

Daddy bear: “And someone has been eating my porridge!”

Mommy bear: “Wait you two, I haven’t made the porridge yet!”

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Two snails were wandering are slithering through the snow.

First snail, "Let's go pick some blackberries." -

Second snail, "It's winter, there aren't any blackberries." -

First snail "Yeah, but by the time we get to the bushes, it will be summer."

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Why did George Washington sleep standing up?

Because he couldn’t lie!

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Why did the doctor lose his temper?

Because he didn’t have any patients!

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I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
-Steven Wright

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Jokes and stuff

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child went to when to a shop selling greeting cards.

Sales clerk: "What do you want?"

Child: "A 'Get well soon-but not too soon' card for my math teacher."

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James: "Did I tell you about the time when I faced a real tiger?"

Tom: "No What happened?"

James: "He stared right into my eyes and roared."

Tom: "What happened then?"

James: "I moved on to the next cage."

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Before you judge a person walk a mile in his shoes.

After that — Well, who cares? He is a mile away and you have got his shoes.

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What is the back door to a cafeteria called?

Bacteria!

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A brown bear meets a polar bear.

Brown bear: “Man, what kind of soap do you use?”

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Two snakes are talking.

First snake: “Are we poisonous snakes?”

Second snake: “I don’t think so, why?”

First snake: “Thank goodness, I just bit my tongue!”

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What gets bigger the more you take from it?

A hole!

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How long does it take for a gymnast to get to class?

A split second!

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"Happiness is not the absence of problems, it's the ability to deal with them."

— Steve Maraboli

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Jokes and stuff

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“Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.” 

― Narcotics Anonymous

What has 4 legs but can’t walk? 

A table! 

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Why did the king draw straight lines? 

Because he was the ruler!

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“Hello, I would like to try on that dress in the window please.” 

“I’m afraid you’ll have to use the dressing room for that.”

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All mushrooms are edible. Some are edible only once.

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“ Son, wake up, time for school!” 

“I don’t want to go! All the kids and teachers hate me!” 

“But you have to go, you’re the principal!”

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My girlfriend told me she’s going to leave me because I love poker more than her. I think she’s bluffing!”

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What does a mouse say when it sees a bat? 

“Look, a guardian angel!”

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Two 0s pass an 8 and whisper to each other.

“Look how tight his belt is!” 

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Two matches see a needle. 

“Look out, a robot!

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Card of the day

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Card of the day

Son of Discs - Motherpeace Deck

Hard work

Stay on the path

Don't leave things up to chance

Stay within your abilities

Natural cycles, slow but steady

Earth element - practical matters

Mighty and solid like the oak

Patience and perseverance

Keen attention to detail

You will achieve your goals

Kindness, reliability and honesty

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poem i wrote

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HYBRID

My gizmos and gadgets started out as toys

But now I seem to be a hybrid

An invisible ethereal web

Meshing with the substance of my brain

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Jokes and stuff

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What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up? 

Someday my prints will come.

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What did the stamp say to the envelope? 

Stick with me and we will go places.

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Promise Yourself

To be so strong that nothing

can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity

to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel

that there is something in them

To look at the sunny side of everything

and make your optimism come true.

To think only the best, to work only for the best,

and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others

as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past

and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful countenance at all times

and give every living creature you meet a smile.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself

that you have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,

and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world,

not in loud words but great deeds.

To live in faith that the whole world is on your side

so long as you are true to the best that is in you.”

― C.. Larson, Your Forces and How to Use Them

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(*_*) - Walk on Water

All of his life George from Caribou, Maine had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. 

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. 

On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. 

So when George's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. 

George stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! 

Corky just managed to pull him to safety. 

Furious and confused, George went to see his grandmother. 

"Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?" 

Granny looked into George's eyes and said, 

"Because your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July."

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