Jokes and stuff

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What do you call a cat between two buildings?

An alley cat

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Who is a copycat’s best friend?

A mockingbird

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Why did Mike’s mom feed him in the barn?

Because he ate like a horse

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Why is it good to have two heads?

Just in case you want to change your mind

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What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away.

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How do you count cows?

With a cowculator.

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Jokes and stuff

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What do you get when you mix a black dog with a white dog?

A greyhound

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Why was the cat scared of the tree?

Because of its bark

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What did the traffic light say to the car?

Don’t look, I’m changing!

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What did the summer say to the spring?

Help, I’m going to fall!

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"Be a rainbow in someone else's cloud."

— Maya Angelou

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Jokes and stuff

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A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

A question mark walks into a bar?

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

Falling slowly, slowly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

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Jokes and stuff

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The teacher asks Harry: "What is the closest, Australia or the moon?"

Harry, "The moon of course!"

Teacher, "Why do you think that?"

Harry, " You can see the moon from here, but not Australia!"

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A father asks his son, "So, did you like your first day of school?"

Son, "The first day?’ You mean I have to go back tomorrow?"

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Harry comes home from school and says proudly, " Mom I learned to write!"

Mom, "And what you write Harry?"

Harry, "I don't know, I haven't learned to read."

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The teacher asks Harry, " Harry, you have 14 potatoes and you have to give the same share to seven people, how do you do that?

Harry, "I would make mashed potatoes."

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Jokes and stuff

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Teacher: “Do you listen to your father or your mother more?”

Pupil: “My mother.”

Teacher: “Why?”

Pupil: “Because she talks more.”

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First shepherd: “How many sheep do you have?”

Second shepherd: “I have no idea! Whenever I start to count them, I fall asleep.”

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Two fishes are watching TV. The next show starts, a show on fishing.

The first fish says, “Oh no, they’re playing horror movies again!”

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Baby bear: “Someone has been eating my porridge!”

Daddy bear: “And someone has been eating my porridge!”

Mommy bear: “Wait you two, I haven’t made the porridge yet!”

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Two snails were wandering are slithering through the snow.

First snail, "Let's go pick some blackberries." -

Second snail, "It's winter, there aren't any blackberries." -

First snail "Yeah, but by the time we get to the bushes, it will be summer."

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Why did George Washington sleep standing up?

Because he couldn’t lie!

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Why did the doctor lose his temper?

Because he didn’t have any patients!

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I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
-Steven Wright

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Jokes and stuff

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child went to when to a shop selling greeting cards.

Sales clerk: "What do you want?"

Child: "A 'Get well soon-but not too soon' card for my math teacher."

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James: "Did I tell you about the time when I faced a real tiger?"

Tom: "No What happened?"

James: "He stared right into my eyes and roared."

Tom: "What happened then?"

James: "I moved on to the next cage."

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Before you judge a person walk a mile in his shoes.

After that — Well, who cares? He is a mile away and you have got his shoes.

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What is the back door to a cafeteria called?

Bacteria!

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A brown bear meets a polar bear.

Brown bear: “Man, what kind of soap do you use?”

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Two snakes are talking.

First snake: “Are we poisonous snakes?”

Second snake: “I don’t think so, why?”

First snake: “Thank goodness, I just bit my tongue!”

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What gets bigger the more you take from it?

A hole!

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How long does it take for a gymnast to get to class?

A split second!

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"Happiness is not the absence of problems, it's the ability to deal with them."

— Steve Maraboli

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Jokes and stuff

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“Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.” 

― Narcotics Anonymous

What has 4 legs but can’t walk? 

A table! 

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Why did the king draw straight lines? 

Because he was the ruler!

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“Hello, I would like to try on that dress in the window please.” 

“I’m afraid you’ll have to use the dressing room for that.”

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All mushrooms are edible. Some are edible only once.

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“ Son, wake up, time for school!” 

“I don’t want to go! All the kids and teachers hate me!” 

“But you have to go, you’re the principal!”

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My girlfriend told me she’s going to leave me because I love poker more than her. I think she’s bluffing!”

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What does a mouse say when it sees a bat? 

“Look, a guardian angel!”

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Two 0s pass an 8 and whisper to each other.

“Look how tight his belt is!” 

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Two matches see a needle. 

“Look out, a robot!

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