TMI

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.... As we progress into the second half of 2019, I want to thank the internet for the educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

.... I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

.... I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

.... Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

.... I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

.... I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

.... ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

.... I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

..... Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

..... Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

..... I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

..... I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

..... And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

..... I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

..... I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me..

... And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan .

... And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a penny coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

... I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

... If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician!

... Oh, and by the way...

... A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

... Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P.S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY.

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