Poem I wrote

 .

.

.

BLAST ZONE

Along the braided river

I left my pride behind

The earth began to quiver

To swallow up my mind

I never left the blast zone

Since it was wiped pure clean

Blown up to the ozone

A stark and tranquil scene

.

.

.

poem I wrote

 .

.

.

DEMONS

Wounded ..

Immediately scenarios of revenge

Flash in my mind

Before

I cast them out.

.

.

.

Jokes and stuff

 .

.

.

All the kids get an assignment to write during a class: “What would I do if I were a principal.” 

Only little Carrie isn’t writing anything. 

Teacher: “Carrie, why aren’t you writing?” 

Carrie: “I’m waiting for the secretary so I could dictate it!” 

===============

“Mom, how was I born?”

 “A stork brought you.” 

“How about dad?” 

“Him too.” 

“And grandparents?” 

“And all the grandparents.” 

Later that evening, little Matthew is writing in his diary: “In the past 60 years, not a single natural birth occurred in this family.” 

===============

A man comes to the barber shop. 

Customer: “Okay, I want you to cut it all at the top, but leave it uneven on the sides. Also make one sideburn longer than the other. Also make small holes on the back of my head.” 

Barber: “I’m not sure if I’ll know to make a haircut like that.” 

Customer: “Well, you sure knew how to cut it like that  the last time.”

===========

Why do witches wear name tags?  

So you can tell which witch is which!

=====================

What game do kid ghosts love?

Hide and shriek!

=======

.

.

.

poem i wrote

 .

.

.

GRIEF

Sad and alone 

He struggles to rise

With tears in his eyes

His pain like a stone

A stone in his heart

A stone not moved aside

From the tomb of his hope

His grief kept inside

How much can he lose 

When he can't even choose?

Yet he gets up and tries

With tears in his eyes

.

.

.

Jokes and stuff

 .

.

.

A thief in Paris planned to steal some Paintings from the Louvre .

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas 

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 

'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings

'I had no Monet 

To buy Degas

To make the Van Gogh

See if you have De Gaulle to tell this joke to someone else.... 

I sent told it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.

==========

There was a competition going on in Spain to see who the worlds greatest swordsman was. 

The final three competitors had been chosen and were brought on stage in front of the anticipating crowd to showcase their talent. 

The first swordsman stepped forward causing the crowd to hush.

One of the judges proceeded to release a small black fly and let it buzz around the stage. 

With the flick of his wrist and faster than you can blink the fly hit the ground in two pieces. 

The audience bursts into applause as the swordsman steps back. 

Next is the second swordsmans turn and he faces the same challenge. 

The fly is is released and in two swift motions he cuts the fly into four pieces.

The audience is even more impressed and gives the man a standing ovation. 

Finally the third swordsman takes the spotlight and another fly is released onto the stage. 

The swordsman takes one quick swish at the fly but it continues to fly around the stage. 

The audience is dumbstruck. 

Finally someone from the audience speaks up: "sir... The fly is still alive." 

"Ah, si" replies the swordsman "but he will never be a father"

-------

Why do witches fly on brooms? 

Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy! 

(Alternative answer - Because nature abhors a vacuum.)

=====================

What do you get when you put a snowman in a haunted house? 

Ice screams!

==========

"There is more treasure in books than in all the pirates' loot on Treasure Island and best of all, you can enjoy these riches every day of your life." — Walt Disney Company

.

.

.

Jokes and stuff

 .

.

.

Then and Now .... 

.

.

.

What snowstorm preparation was like in the 1970s:

Hear on the 6 `o' clock news that there will be snow the day after tomorrow. "Some accumulation," the weatherman says. He talks about the snow for less than 30 seconds. Continue eating your Hamburger Helper.

Go to the A&P in the morning and casually get some milk, a loaf of Wonderbread and some Velveeta.

Check the shed to make sure the big red snow shovel's still there and that the kids haven't used it to build a fort in the vacant lot down the street where they like to play unattended for hours with all other neighborhood kids after school. It's there. The end.

Put the chains on the car tires, make a pot of soup and a batch of Chex Mix and pour yourself a drink. You are done.

If it snows more than a foot overnight, school will be canceled. You will just somehow know that there is no school because you will use your common sense. There MIGHT be a phone tree. Keyword is MIGHT.

Snow Day!! This means you can bundle the children within an inch of their lives and send them outside in whiteout conditions and 20 below temps FOR THE REST OF THE DAY while you stay inside, watch "As the World Turns," smoke Eves, do your nails and wait for the snow plow.

Throw salt all over the front steps. Boil some water and stir up a few packets of Swiss Miss hot chocolate for when the kids come back in.

Looks like you're going to get two feet of snow with this one. Oh well. Stick your head out the screen door and take a couple Polaroids of the kids' snowman they built since you forgot to buy film and flashbulbs for the Kodak Ektralite. Too much of a pain to take the pictures to the Fotomat to get developed, and who wants to see a bunch of pictures of snow anyway? It snows ALL WINTER LONG. Big deal.

Ask some neighborhood teens to shovel your driveway for you. They gladly do this in exchange for grilled cheese sandwiches.

If the electricity goes out, pile extra afghans on the beds and put all the food from the fridge outside on the back porch. It'll keep just fine in these temperatures and the electric will be back on in a couple days. Nothing to worry over. There's always the kerosene heater and the fireplace or the coal furnace in the cellar.

Snow is now piled to the eaves of the house. There will be school tomorrow.

Let the kids go sledding at night after dinner. Have an Irish Coffee. Go to bed early. 

=======================

What snowstorm preparation is like in 2016:

Get a news alert on your smartphone that in ten days the blizzard of the Millennium is going to strike. Turn on 24 hour cable news immediately for round the clock coverage.

Look for constant updates on WINTER STORM CHIONE. Look to see what everyone is posting on Facebook about it. Pretend you know how to pronounce Chione.

Three days before the storm is supposed to hit the governor will declare a State of Emergency. It's 70 degrees and sunny out.

Rush to Whole Foods and buy $756.00 worth of healthy junk food. You cannot weather a blizzard like this without hemp seed ghost pepper non-GMO tortilla chips, and the kids won't survive without vegan, fruit sweetened gummies.

Charge all devices. This includes the five Kindles you own, two tablets, three smartphones, the laptop, and your fancy toothbrushes.

Check to see if Anderson Cooper is wearing his casual clothes and if he has gone outside. If Anderson Cooper is broadcasting from outside, you are basically screwed.

Yup. We're all going to die.

Brace yourselves. There are going to be a lot of Game of Thrones memes on social about this.

Snowmageddon is definitely happening. It is all over the Internet. School is now closed two days before it is supposed to snow. You know, to keep the children safe from all the people rushing to Target and fighting one another tooth and nail for the last loaf of Ezekiel bread, organic 2% milk, and cage-free Omega 3 eggs. Because if we're going to go off our Paleo diets for some French Toast, it should at least be whole freaking grain. (I think?) Whatever, screw it.

There is a sugar coating of very fine snow on your flagstone walkway leading up to your meticulously restored craftsman cottage. DO NOT GO OUTSIDE. It is dangerous in these conditions. Oh my God, it is 33 degrees. Screenshot the weather app from your phone and tweet it. #brrrr #freezingtodeath #winterstormchione

But wait!! At least you get to wear your Uggs! And your buffalo plaid!

Receive an automated call at 4 in the morning that school is canceled basically until the end of the month because of the winter storm's devastation.

Check Pinterest for educational snow day crafts and activities to keep the children engaged and learning. Do not let them outside to play in the inch of snow that just fell because OMG frostbite.

Take lots of pictures of the snow. Post to Instagram. The Amaro filter makes snow look like a photo from the Anthropologie catalog.

Post all the same pictures to Facebook too. Complain about how bored you are, but then hashtag your status #blessed.

Relent and let the kids outside. Bundle them up within an inch of their lives.

Forget that you didn't make them go pee first. Unbundle them and make them all go to the bathroom. Then rebundle them. By now an hour and a half has passed.

Only let them stay out long enough to get some good candid shots of them building a snowman, even though you are the one who actually built the snowman because you needed it to look just so. Do not let them go sledding because they could get traumatic head injuries. You have read enough stories online about accidents like that and how they could have easily been prevented by just keeping children inside attached to screens all day.

Is this hot chocolate fair trade? And oh my God, who can you hire to shovel this away? Does your landscaping company take care of snow removal? Because there's no way you can figure out the ethanol powered, cordless, half solar snowblower you bought on sale for $900.00 because it seemed like a good idea at the time.

There is at least four inches of snow. The electricity went out for five minutes. You have plowed through the bag of ghost pepper chips and you are sure the world is ending. Scroll through your phone looking for the best deals to Aruba this weekend.

The day after the storm hits, the meteorologists will apologize profusely that they said there'd 75 inches of snow and ice and 89 mile per hour winds, even though you got maybe five inches total when all was said and done and it melted overnight. Blame climate change. The forecast models are very unpredictable. Shrug.

============

What do ghosts wear around their neck to look smart? 

Boo! Ties!

===============

 Where do ghosts get their hair done for Halloween? 

At the scare-dresser! 

==================

What happened to the man who crossed a cow with a rooster? 

He got an animal that mooed at the crack of dawn!

=======================

“What did you learn in Chemistry today?”

 “Today we learned about explosive substances!”

 “That’s nice. And what will they teach you at school tomorrow?” 

“What school?”

.

.

.

My Facebook page

 .

.

.

It is public. 

(1) Penelope Snopes | Facebook

.

.

.