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Why was the library so tall?
It had lots of stories!
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Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a woodworm!
Really? What a boring life you have!
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Why was the millipede late?
Because he was playing "This little Piggy" with his baby sister!
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What happened to the man who crossed his dog with a car?
He kept it in a barking lot!
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Sunday, November 29, 2015
Saturday, November 28, 2015
Thoughts of the Day ...
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<(*_*)> - Thoughts of the Day
1) I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
2) I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
3) I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
4) Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
5) How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
6) Snowmen fall from the sky unassembled.
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<(*_*)> - Thoughts of the Day
1) I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
2) I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
3) I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
4) Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
5) How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
6) Snowmen fall from the sky unassembled.
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Friday, November 27, 2015
Bonus Joke of the Day ...
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(*_*) - The Lift
As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities.
One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was.
"Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right."
Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up.
"They're from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."
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(*_*) - The Lift
As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities.
One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was.
"Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right."
Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up.
"They're from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."
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Joke of the Day ...
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A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and, in general,
began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said "Well yeah, if that's what they are I never heard of circle flies."
So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms.
See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.
Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, Officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
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A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and, in general,
began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said "Well yeah, if that's what they are I never heard of circle flies."
So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms.
See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.
Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, Officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
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Thursday, November 26, 2015
Thanksgiving Wishes
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.¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪
Warm thoughts and best wishes to you all and your families this Thanksgiving.
May you continue to have many blessings and many reasons to be thankful in the coming year.
.¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪
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.¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪
Warm thoughts and best wishes to you all and your families this Thanksgiving.
May you continue to have many blessings and many reasons to be thankful in the coming year.
.¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪ .¸¸.*¨*♫♪
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Joke of the Day ...
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Farmer Mike lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer Mike called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW-SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer Mike called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers.
The `school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer Mike called and called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."
He was going to let the Farmer Mike do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer Mike.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer Mike a call.
"How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign...
it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer Mike's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY
GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS
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Farmer Mike lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer Mike called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW-SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer Mike called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers.
The `school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer Mike called and called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."
He was going to let the Farmer Mike do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer Mike.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer Mike a call.
"How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign...
it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer Mike's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY
GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS
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Wednesday, November 25, 2015
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