Life Lessons ....

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(^_^) - My Mother

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father."

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home."

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."


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Joke of the day ....

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(*_*) - Men's' Helpline

"Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you? "


"Hello Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up.
She goes out with "the girls" a lot.
I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat.
When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"
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Thoughts of the day ...

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Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it
~ Charles R. Swindoll

╰♥.☆.♥╮

The greatest oak was once a little nut who held its ground.
~ Author Unknown


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Thoughts of the day ...

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No two persons ever read the same book.

-Edmund Wilson

A book is a dream that you hold in your hand.

-Neil Gaiman

Whenever you read a good book, somewhere in the world a door opens to allow in more light.

-Vera Nazarian


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Scientific Study of the Day ...

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(^_^) - Crows

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.


A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.




However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.


By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.


MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.


He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.


They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
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Parable ....

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One fine morning in the Garden of Eden, God looked down upon Adam and noticed that he was looking glum. So the Lord said to Adam "What troubles you, my Son?"

Adam looked up to God ad said "I'm lonely, Father. I have no one to talk to."

So God said "Then I shall give you a companion, and she will cook and clean for you, and wash your clothes. She shall bear your children and never wake you in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will give you love and compassion whenever you want it. She will not nag at you, and will always be the first to admit she is wrong if you two ever disagree. She will love and support you no matter what, and always agree with any important decision you make. She shall be called a `woman.'

Intrigued, Adam asked God "What shall this woman cost, Father?"

God replied "One arm and one leg, my son."

Adam pondered this question for a minute, and with the seriousness that only comes from complete certainty, he answered... "Hmm, what can I get for just a rib?"


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Wisdom that Comes With Age ....

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Wisdom that Comes With Age



I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now!

You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If she is holding a gun, she's probably angry.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet...

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment... now, as a grownup, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is...."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it".

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

"It is easier to fool people than it is to convince them they have been fooled." - Mark Twain
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