Jokes and stuff

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There was an origami factory in our town but it folded.

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(*_*) - Clever Signs

Sign in a shoe repair store in Vancouver :

We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you.

A sign over a Gynecologist's office:

'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'

At an Optometrist's office:

'If you don't see what you're looking for...you've come to the right place.'

On a Plumber's truck:

'We repair what your husband fixed.'

On another Plumber's truck:

'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'

On an Electrician's truck:

'Let us remove your shorts.'

In a Non-smoking Area:

'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.'

At a Car Dealership:

'The best way to get back on your feet...miss a car payment.'

Outside a Muffler Shop:

'No appointment necessary.
We hear you coming.'

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:

'Best place in town to take a leak.'

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Which sea creature does best at underwater math?

An octoplus!

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What do you get if cross a Dinosaur with a Termite?

Dinomite!

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“Knock, knock.
Who's there?
A: Impatient chicken ..
Q: Impa...
A: BUCKAWK!

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“Knock, knock.
Who's there?
A: Little Old Lady
Q: Little Old Lady who?
A: I didn't know you could yodel

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“Knock, knock.
Who's there?
A: Anita
Q: Anita who?
A: Anita drink of water

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A magician was driving down the road.....
then he turned into a drive way.

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I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it.

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The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

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I used to be a sanitation engineer, but the city dumped me.

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What Disney movie is about a stupid boyfriend?

Dumb Beau

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“You don't need a search warrant to go through someone's trash. Seriously. Once it hits the curb it is totally fair game- you can look it up.”

― Ally Carter

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“If you're going to make a science fiction movie, then have a hover craft chase, for heaven's sake.”

― Joss Whedon

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Ah, I had a great boomerang joke... It'll come back to me.

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What did the sub-atomic duck say?

Quark!

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“I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn't cheer so loudly when I'm trying to sleep.”

― Jarod Kintz

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“If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”

― Steven Wright

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“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

― Rodney Dangerfield

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“It is harder to crack prejudice than an atom.”

― Albert Einstein

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“A dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”

― Mary Karr

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Why do you think Civil Disobedience was such a fantastic essay?

Thoreau editing... (Thorough.)

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What's the difference between a Tuna and a piano?

You can tune a piano, but you cannot piano a Tuna.

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“I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.”

― Edward Verrall Lucas

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“If you don't get everything you want, think of the things you don't get that you don't want.”

― Oscar Wilde

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Who shaves 20 times a day?

A barber.

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What do you call a shrimp with 3 eyes?

A shri-i-imp.
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