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Saturday, August 22, 2020
Jokes and stuff
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A police officer called the station on his radio.
"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"Not yet. The floor's still wet."
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“In this treacherous world
Nothing is the truth nor a lie.
Everything depends on the color
Of the crystal through which one sees it”
― Pedro Calderón de la Barca
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“I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.”
― Steven Wright
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“How can there be self-help groups?”
― Steven Wright
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“I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.”
― Steven Wright
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“Along the way [Mozart] got married; fathered seven children (two of whom survived into adulthood); performed as a pianist; violinist; and conductor; maintained a successful teaching studio; wrote thousands of letters; traveled widely; attended the theater religiously; played cards, billiards, and bocce; and rode horseback for exercise. Not bad for someone portrayed as a giggling idiot in the movies.”
― Robert Greenberg, How to Listen to and Understand Great Music
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"You can’t save others from themselves because those who make a perpetual muddle of their lives don’t appreciate your interfering with the drama they’ve created. They want your poor-sweet-baby sympathy, but they don’t want to change."
— Sue Grafton (T is for Trespass)
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What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little whine.
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A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. "No."
A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of the man's leg.
"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" he said indignantly.
The other guy replied, "That's not my dog."
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Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
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A police officer called the station on his radio.
"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"Not yet. The floor's still wet."
==========
“In this treacherous world
Nothing is the truth nor a lie.
Everything depends on the color
Of the crystal through which one sees it”
― Pedro Calderón de la Barca
=====
“I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.”
― Steven Wright
======
“How can there be self-help groups?”
― Steven Wright
============
“I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.”
― Steven Wright
==========
“Along the way [Mozart] got married; fathered seven children (two of whom survived into adulthood); performed as a pianist; violinist; and conductor; maintained a successful teaching studio; wrote thousands of letters; traveled widely; attended the theater religiously; played cards, billiards, and bocce; and rode horseback for exercise. Not bad for someone portrayed as a giggling idiot in the movies.”
― Robert Greenberg, How to Listen to and Understand Great Music
==============
"You can’t save others from themselves because those who make a perpetual muddle of their lives don’t appreciate your interfering with the drama they’ve created. They want your poor-sweet-baby sympathy, but they don’t want to change."
— Sue Grafton (T is for Trespass)
===========
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little whine.
=========
A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. "No."
A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of the man's leg.
"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" he said indignantly.
The other guy replied, "That's not my dog."
=============
Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
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Friday, August 21, 2020
Jokes and stuff
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Memory Class
An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.
A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.
"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.
"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered.
"You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"
"A rose?" asked the neighbor.
"Yes, that's it," replied the old man.
He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"
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"Ghosts don't haunt us. That's not how it works. They're present among us because we won't let go of them."
— Sue Grafton (M is for Malice)
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"I read a book one day and my whole life was changed."
— Orhan Pamuk
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"Books are the plane, and the train, and the road. They are the destination, and the journey. They are home."
— Anna Quindlen (How Reading Changed My Life)
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"No book is really worth reading at the age of ten which is not equally – and often far more – worth reading at the age of fifty and beyond."
— C.S. Lewis
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What's a chimney sweep's most common ailment? The flue.
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What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
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Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.
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Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
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Why are meteorologists always nervous?
Their future is always up in the air.
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Why did the chicken get in big trouble with his mom?
Because he used fowl language!
===============================
Where does a shark go on vacation?
Fin-land!
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“We're lost, but we're making good time.”
― Yogi Berra
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What’s the difference between a fly and a bird?
A bird can fly but a fly can’t bird!
=====================
Why did the flies go to Paris?
Because they wanted to be French flies!
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What has wheels and a trunk but no engine?
An elephant on roller skates!
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Why do elephants never get rich?
Because they work for peanuts!
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Why are fish so easy to weigh?
Because they come with their own scales!
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Memory Class
An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.
A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.
"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.
"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered.
"You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"
"A rose?" asked the neighbor.
"Yes, that's it," replied the old man.
He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"
==============
"Ghosts don't haunt us. That's not how it works. They're present among us because we won't let go of them."
— Sue Grafton (M is for Malice)
===========
"I read a book one day and my whole life was changed."
— Orhan Pamuk
============
"Books are the plane, and the train, and the road. They are the destination, and the journey. They are home."
— Anna Quindlen (How Reading Changed My Life)
=========
"No book is really worth reading at the age of ten which is not equally – and often far more – worth reading at the age of fifty and beyond."
— C.S. Lewis
========
What's a chimney sweep's most common ailment? The flue.
============
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
===========
Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.
============
Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
===========
Why are meteorologists always nervous?
Their future is always up in the air.
==========
Why did the chicken get in big trouble with his mom?
Because he used fowl language!
===============================
Where does a shark go on vacation?
Fin-land!
===========
“We're lost, but we're making good time.”
― Yogi Berra
===========
What’s the difference between a fly and a bird?
A bird can fly but a fly can’t bird!
=====================
Why did the flies go to Paris?
Because they wanted to be French flies!
==========
What has wheels and a trunk but no engine?
An elephant on roller skates!
--------------------------------------
Why do elephants never get rich?
Because they work for peanuts!
-------------------------------------
Why are fish so easy to weigh?
Because they come with their own scales!
==========
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Kindle
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Savages Station: A Civil War Triptych
https://www.amazon.com/Savages-Station-Civil-War-Triptych-ebook/dp/B01EVNDJPE/ref=tmm_kin_title_sr?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=
After A Million Quotes: Reflections On Applying Wise Quotes To Living Well
https://www.amazon.com/After-Million-Quotes-Reflections-Applying-ebook/dp/B078B99T1W/ref=tmm_kin_title_sr?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=
Murder Drama With Your Llama (Friendship Harbor Mysteries Book 1)
https://www.amazon.com/Murder-Drama-Friendship-Harbor-Mysteries-ebook/dp/B086N3Q59P/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=
Brewery
https://www.amazon.com/Guinness-Greatest-Brewery-Earth-Its-History-ebook/dp/B00E257UY8/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_8?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=X83KZS7CKTHZP0JC8GCG
Frighteners
https://www.amazon.com/Frighteners-Journey-Through-Cultural-Fascination-ebook/dp/B0798WXV4B/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_10?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=X83KZS7CKTHZP0JC8GCG
Dreams
https://www.amazon.com/Interpretation-Psychopathology-Everyday-Relation-Unconscious-ebook/dp/B073RQ6KR6/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_19?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=X83KZS7CKTHZP0JC8GCG
Western
https://www.amazon.com/One-Step-Closer-Justice-Historical-ebook/dp/B085H9YP44/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_33?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=X83KZS7CKTHZP0JC8GCG
Lovecraft
https://www.amazon.com/H-P-Lovecraft-Complete-H-P-ebook/dp/B08G59VBFD/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_36?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=X83KZS7CKTHZP0JC8GCG
chia
https://www.amazon.com/Chia-Seed-Cookbook-Great-Weight-ebook/dp/B00B742KY2/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_47?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=X83KZS7CKTHZP0JC8GCG
Paris
https://www.amazon.com/Hemingways-Paris-Writers-Words-Images-ebook/dp/B00TQ7SZVY/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_73?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=2Q926PFXJ3HJ3SNBCH0B
Aliens
https://www.amazon.com/Yellow-Book-History-Aliens-Project-ebook/dp/B07BV4VPCX/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_75?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=2Q926PFXJ3HJ3SNBCH0B
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Savages Station: A Civil War Triptych
https://www.amazon.com/Savages-Station-Civil-War-Triptych-ebook/dp/B01EVNDJPE/ref=tmm_kin_title_sr?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=
After A Million Quotes: Reflections On Applying Wise Quotes To Living Well
https://www.amazon.com/After-Million-Quotes-Reflections-Applying-ebook/dp/B078B99T1W/ref=tmm_kin_title_sr?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=
Murder Drama With Your Llama (Friendship Harbor Mysteries Book 1)
https://www.amazon.com/Murder-Drama-Friendship-Harbor-Mysteries-ebook/dp/B086N3Q59P/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=
Brewery
https://www.amazon.com/Guinness-Greatest-Brewery-Earth-Its-History-ebook/dp/B00E257UY8/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_8?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=X83KZS7CKTHZP0JC8GCG
Frighteners
https://www.amazon.com/Frighteners-Journey-Through-Cultural-Fascination-ebook/dp/B0798WXV4B/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_10?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=X83KZS7CKTHZP0JC8GCG
Dreams
https://www.amazon.com/Interpretation-Psychopathology-Everyday-Relation-Unconscious-ebook/dp/B073RQ6KR6/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_19?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=X83KZS7CKTHZP0JC8GCG
Western
https://www.amazon.com/One-Step-Closer-Justice-Historical-ebook/dp/B085H9YP44/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_33?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=X83KZS7CKTHZP0JC8GCG
Lovecraft
https://www.amazon.com/H-P-Lovecraft-Complete-H-P-ebook/dp/B08G59VBFD/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_36?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=X83KZS7CKTHZP0JC8GCG
chia
https://www.amazon.com/Chia-Seed-Cookbook-Great-Weight-ebook/dp/B00B742KY2/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_47?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=X83KZS7CKTHZP0JC8GCG
Paris
https://www.amazon.com/Hemingways-Paris-Writers-Words-Images-ebook/dp/B00TQ7SZVY/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_73?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=2Q926PFXJ3HJ3SNBCH0B
Aliens
https://www.amazon.com/Yellow-Book-History-Aliens-Project-ebook/dp/B07BV4VPCX/ref=zg_bs_157325011_f_75?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=2Q926PFXJ3HJ3SNBCH0B
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Free Nook Books
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This is a constantly updating list of free Nook Books. The categories are on the left side of the page.
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