Sookie's Birthday Surprise: January 2017

Monday, January 30, 2017

Free Friday Books Feb 3 2017 ....

Sunday, January 29, 2017

Joke of the Day ...

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(

^_^) - Crackerjack Service Department..

It takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; that's reassurance for us passengers

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a `gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, and document their repairs on the form,...

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget

By the way, UPS is the only major airline carrier that has never, ever, had an accident....

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Saturday, January 28, 2017

Joke of the Day ....

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There was a competition going on in Spain to see who the worlds greatest swordsman was.

The final three competitors had been chosen and were brought on stage in front of the anticipating crowd to showcase their talent.

One of the judges proceeded to release a small black fly and let it buzz around the stage.

With the flick of his wrist and faster than you can blink the fly hit the ground in two pieces.

The audience bursts into applause as the swordsman steps back.

Next is the second swordsman's turn and he faces the same challenge.

The fly is released and in two swift motions he cuts the fly into four pieces.

The audience is even more impressed and gives the man a standing ovation.

Finally the third swordsman takes the spotlight and another fly is released onto the stage.

The swordsman takes one quick swish at the fly but it continues to fly around the stage.

The audience is dumbstruck.

Finally someone from the audience speaks up: "sir... The fly is still alive."

"Ah, si" replies the swordsman "but he will never be a father"

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Friday, January 27, 2017

B&N Free Friday Selection ....

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Free at posting:

Alien Attachments

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/alien-attachments-sabine-priestley/1119847722?ean=9781616505660

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Free Friday Nook Books ....

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Scam warning ...

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It’s not a Verizon commercial: If you receive a phone call from someone asking “Can you hear me?” hang up. You’re a potential victim in the latest scam circulating around the U.S.

Virginia police are now warning about the scheme, which also sparked warnings by Pennsylvania authorities late last year. The “can you hear me” con is actually a variation on earlier scams aimed at getting the victim to say the word “yes” in a phone conversation. That affirmative response is recorded by the fraudster and used to authorize unwanted charges on a phone or utility bill or on a purloined credit card.

“You say ‘yes,’ it gets recorded and they say that you have agreed to something,” said Susan Grant, director of consumer protection for the Consumer Federation of America. “I know that people think it’s impolite to hang up, but it’s a good strategy.”
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Joke of the Day ....

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(^_^) - Murder at The Safeway

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure that went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying a single dollar bill that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife into the local Safeway grocery store. There he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled onto the scene.

Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings was captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why the next day in the newspaper, the headlines declared:

"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY"
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Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Quote of the Day ....

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Lily Munster: "There's an ancient Transylvanian proverb we used to have in the old country: always put the shortest chain on the oldest wolf."

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- The Munsters (1964)

Joke of the Day ....

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Then and Now ....
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What snowstorm preparation was like in the 1970s:

Hear on the 6 `o' clock news that there will be snow the day after tomorrow. "Some accumulation," the weatherman says. He talks about the snow for less than 30 seconds. Continue eating your Hamburger Helper.

Go to the A&P in the morning and casually get some milk, a loaf of Wonderbread and some Velveeta.

Check the shed to make sure the big red snow shovel's still there and that the kids haven't used it to build a fort in the vacant lot down the street where they like to play unattended for hours with all other neighborhood kids after school. It's there. The end.

Put the chains on the car tires, make a pot of soup and a batch of Chex Mix and pour yourself a drink. You are done.

If it snows more than a foot overnight, school will be canceled. You will just somehow know that there is no school because you will use your common sense. There MIGHT be a phone tree. Keyword is MIGHT.

Snow Day!! This means you can bundle the children within an inch of their lives and send them outside in whiteout conditions and 20 below temps FOR THE REST OF THE DAY while you stay inside, watch "As the World Turns," smoke Eves, do your nails and wait for the snow plow.
Throw salt all over the front steps. Boil some water and stir up a few packets of Swiss Miss hot chocolate for when the kids come back in.

Looks like you're going to get two feet of snow with this one. Oh well. Stick your head out the screen door and take a couple Polaroids of the kids' snowman they built since you forgot to buy film and flashbulbs for the Kodak Ektralite. Too much of a pain to take the pictures to the Fotomat to get developed, and who wants to see a bunch of pictures of snow anyway? It snows ALL WINTER LONG. Big deal.

Ask some neighborhood teens to shovel your driveway for you. They gladly do this in exchange for grilled cheese sandwiches.

If the electricity goes out, pile extra afghans on the beds and put all the food from the fridge outside on the back porch. It'll keep just fine in these temperatures and the electric will be back on in a couple days. Nothing to worry over. There's always the kerosene heater and the fireplace or the coal furnace in the cellar.

Snow is now piled to the eaves of the house. There will be school tomorrow.

Let the kids go sledding at night after dinner. Have an Irish Coffee. Go to bed early.

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What snowstorm preparation is like in 2016:

Get a news alert on your smartphone that in ten days the blizzard of the Millennium is going to strike. Turn on 24 hour cable news immediately for round the clock coverage.

Look for constant updates on WINTER STORM CHIONE. Look to see what everyone is posting on Facebook about it. Pretend you know how to pronounce Chione.

Three days before the storm is supposed to hit the governor will declare a State of Emergency. It's 70 degrees and sunny out.

Rush to Whole Foods and buy $756.00 worth of healthy junk food. You cannot weather a blizzard like this without hemp seed ghost pepper non-GMO tortilla chips, and the kids won't survive without vegan, fruit sweetened gummies.

Charge all devices. This includes the five Kindles you own, two tablets, three smartphones, the laptop, and your fancy toothbrushes.

Check to see if Anderson Cooper is wearing his casual clothes and if he has gone outside. If Anderson Cooper is broadcasting from outside, you are basically screwed.
Yup. We're all going to die.

Brace yourselves. There are going to be a lot of Game of Thrones memes on social about this.
Snowmageddon is definitely happening. It is all over the Internet. School is now closed two days before it is supposed to snow. You know, to keep the children safe from all the people rushing to Target and fighting one another tooth and nail for the last loaf of Ezekiel bread, organic 2% milk, and cage-free Omega 3 eggs. Because if we're going to go off our Paleo diets for some French Toast, it should at least be whole freaking grain. (I think?) Whatever, screw it.

There is a sugar coating of very fine snow on your flagstone walkway leading up to your meticulously restored craftsman cottage. DO NOT GO OUTSIDE. It is dangerous in these conditions. Oh my God, it is 33 degrees. Screenshot the weather app from your phone and tweet it. #brrrr #freezingtodeath #winterstormchione

But wait!! At least you get to wear your Uggs! And your buffalo plaid!

Receive an automated call at 4 in the morning that school is canceled basically until the end of the month because of the winter storm's devastation.

Check Pinterest for educational snow day crafts and activities to keep the children engaged and learning. Do not let them outside to play in the inch of snow that just fell because OMG frostbite.

Take lots of pictures of the snow. Post to Instagram. The Amaro filter makes snow look like a photo from the Anthropologie catalog.

Post all the same pictures to Facebook too. Complain about how bored you are, but then hashtag your status #blessed.

Relent and let the kids outside. Bundle them up within an inch of their lives.

Forget that you didn't make them go pee first. Unbundle them and make them all go to the bathroom. Then rebundle them. By now an hour and a half has passed.

Only let them stay out long enough to get some good candid shots of them building a snowman, even though you are the one who actually built the snowman because you needed it to look just so. Do not let them go sledding because they could get traumatic head injuries. You have read enough stories online about accidents like that and how they could have easily been prevented by just keeping children inside attached to screens all day.

Is this hot chocolate fair trade? And oh my God, who can you hire to shovel this away? Does your landscaping company take care of snow removal? Because there's no way you can figure out the ethanol powered, cordless, half solar snowblower you bought on sale for $900.00 because it seemed like a good idea at the time.

There is at least four inches of snow. The electricity went out for five minutes. You have plowed through the bag of ghost pepper chips and you are sure the world is ending. Scroll through your phone looking for the best deals to Aruba this weekend.

The day after the storm hits, the meteorologists will apologize profusely that they said there'd 75 inches of snow and ice and 89 mile per hour winds, even though you got maybe five inches total when all was said and done and it melted overnight. Blame climate change. The forecast models are very unpredictable. Shrug.

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Monday, January 23, 2017

Joke of the Day ....

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What did the Baby Corn say to the Momma Corn?
“Where’s Pop Corn?”
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What do bananas do best in gymnastics?
The splits!
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“Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.”
― Criss Jami
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Sunday, January 22, 2017

Joke of the Day ...

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What kind of key do you use to open a banana?
Monkey!
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What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Straw-berries!
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Saturday, January 21, 2017

Joke of the Day

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During Shabbat services the Rabbi kneels and puts his forehead to the floor and says, "Before you oh Lord, I am nothing."

The Cantor looks at him, impressed with this show of humility, and kneels, puts his forehead to the floor, and says, "Before you oh Lord, I am nothing."

Ben Shapiro in the fifth row is watching this. He had never seen such spontaneous religious feeling , so he goes in the middle of the isle, kneels and puts his forehead to the floor and says, "Me too, before you oh Lord, I too am nothing."

The Rabbi nudges the Cantor. "Look who thinks he's nothing!"

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Friday, January 20, 2017

B&N Free Friday Book ...

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B&N Free Friday Book ....

Wings (Laurel Series #1)

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/wings-aprilynne-pike/1100838899?ean=9780061859083

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Free Nook Books for January 20, 2017 ....

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Monday, January 30, 2017

Free Friday Books Feb 3 2017 ....

Sunday, January 29, 2017

Joke of the Day ...

Saturday, January 28, 2017

Joke of the Day ....

Friday, January 27, 2017

B&N Free Friday Selection ....

Free Friday Nook Books ....

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Scam warning ...

Joke of the Day ....

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Quote of the Day ....

Joke of the Day ....

Monday, January 23, 2017

Joke of the Day ....

Sunday, January 22, 2017

Joke of the Day ...

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Joke of the Day

Friday, January 20, 2017

B&N Free Friday Book ...

Free Nook Books for January 20, 2017 ....